PASSING DOWN FAMILY HEIRLOOMS FOR CHRISTMAS IS NOT RE-GIFTING!

PASSING DOWN FAMILY HEIRLOOMS FOR CHRISTMAS IS NOT RE-GIFTING!

Dear Miss Smarty Pants,

 As Christmas approaches, I have a re-gifting question about my daughter.  I intend to give her a string of pearls from her deceased maternal grandmother. Would it be appropriate to give this as a gift at a family present opening on Christmas day, or should this be done privately and when? I don't intend for her to be pressured to wear them on Christmas day or for her upcoming wedding.

Concerned Santa-Mom

Dear Concerned Santa Mom,

First, this is not re-gifting, it is called "passing down family heirlooms" and it should be done privately, particularly if there is a story to tell her that goes with the piece. I had a ring passed down to me that was for 4 generations given to the oldest daughter on her 13th birthday and a story went with it. I told the story when I passed it on to the next generation--it's family history. If their is a story or history of the pearls, you should pass it on as one day you daughter's daughter will pass them on again.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

NO MORE TACKY PRESENTS PLEASE!!

NO MORE TACKY PRESENTS PLEASE!!

Dear Miss Smarty Pants,

My brother's wife is a tacky Christmas gift giver. First she gives us a list of gifts she EXPECTS us to buy and in return we are RE-GIFTED. It's not a matter
of resources, she's got the money to buy gifts for her in-laws. I'm sick of her attitude of entitlement.
So, should I boycott Christmas this year or refuse to
get them anything?
What is most frustrating is that if I mention the re-gifting I look like the small one. I feel like I'm being taken advantage
Thank you in advance,
Advantaged Out

Dear Advantaged Out,
When your sister-in-law hands you her list, smile and hand it back to her and tell her that you aren't buying Christmas gifts this year and that she shouldn't get you anything either. Tell her that you are only interested in spending time with the people you love and that you just don't want to do the material thing any more. The stunned look on her face should be very satisfying, don't you think? However, you MUST stick to this if you decide to do it and not give in to people who give you something--you just smile and tell them that you don't need it and that they should return it for a refund because you didn't do any Christmas shopping and don't plan to do any ever again.

Merry Christmas to all!

Wedding guests inviting additional guests?

Dear Miss Smarty Pants:
The response cards in my wedding invitations had a space for "We have reserved ___ of seats in your honor." In the case of one family, I put the number 5. I even wrote in all 5 individual names to avoid confusion and make it clear that guests were not exchangable if one we intended to invite could not make it. When they mailed in the RSVP card, they crossed out the number 5 and replaced it with a 7, writing in the names of the two extra guests that were not invited. What do I do?

You write them a note that reads as follows:

I'm terribly sorry but due to budget constraints, we are not able to allow extra guests. I must request that only the the 5 original invited guests attend. I'm sure you will understand that in this economy, I've had to make very hard decisions about whom I am able to invite and I cannot allow any of my guests to add people to the guest list as I am limited to the number of people that I have contracted for with the caterer and the venue. I look forward to seeing the 5 members of your family that received the original invitation and no more can be added. Thank you for understanding.

If they are upset and decline the invitation, it frees up 5 spots on the guest list. It is the height of rudeness for them to have done this and do not tolerate it or let them get away with it. This is YOUR wedding and YOU decide whom you wish to have present!

Questions like this are why 'snarky' is a word.......

My husband and I were invited to a wedding recently. It was someone that I would call an acquaintance of his and not a close friend. I bought a gift and signed the card with both mine and my husband's names. I didn't feel well the night of the wedding so he went by himself. He received a thank you card in the mail thanking him for coming and for the gift. My name wasn't listed on the card. I thought the card should have been made out to both of us. I thought it was very rude of the bride and groom to only address it to him. Am I being difficult or was it really rude?
Let's see. You tell me that you don't know these people, you DON'T go to the wedding, your husband gives them a gift and again, you don't know them and you weren't at the wedding so how are they supposed to know you even exist?? Now you're all torqued up because they didn't address the thank you note to you when you couldn't go to the wedding and you don't know them so please tell me HOW EXACTLY they are supposed to know you exist??? Are you this irrational in all facets of your life? If you are, then the help you need is much more extensive than you can get from an advice columnist--you need someone with and "M.D." after their name!!

Estranged Father Invited to the Wedding

Question: My best friend is getting married and her parents are divorced. Her mom has never really gotten over the relationship (it's been 15 years) and, along with her two siblings, harbor resentment towards him. My friend has recently started speaking to him again (after years of him being out of her life) and is the only one working on possibly rebuilding their relationship. She wants to invite him to the wedding, but her sister is saying out of respect for her mom, she shouldn't. I told her that I think she should invite him and that her family should put their differences aside for ONE day if it's what she wishes. Her sister is saying that per etiquette "rules" she shouldn't invite him if it makes them uncomfortable. I disagree - please help!
Thank you!

Dear Megan,
You are correct, the bride's sister is full of crap--she's obviously taken her etiquette lessons from the "Politically Correct Whiners" school of etiquette. It is the bride's day and if she wants her father there, then everyone needs to put aside their animosity for the sake of the bride and be polite to each other out of their love for the bride. Her sister is incorrect about the etiquette rules and needs to be given a copy of an etiquette book so that she can learn the rules instead of making them up to suit her wishes. The rule is crystal clear in this situation and the bride is the one who gets to have it her way on her special day. My sister used to have a 'second seating' and two Thanksgiving dinners so that my parents didn't have to see each other. When I moved back from Japan and had Christmas at my house, my sister was totally freaked out that I wasn't having segregated parties but I refused to do it. I told all parties that it was MY home and if they couldn't behave like mature adults that the offending party would be asked to leave. They behaved beautifully and now the entire family gathers and everyone is polite to each other. Your friend needs to speak to each of her parents in a firm but kind way and tell them that it is HER wedding and that she EXPECTS them to make the effort to get along with each other and if they do not, then they can leave the ceremony and/or the reception. They will behave--but she needs to be firm and not cave in to threats or emotional blackmail--i.e. "if your father shows up I won't be there". If her mother says this, all the bride should do is say "I'm sorry you feel that way, we'll miss not having you there to share my wedding day." and then she needs to turn and WALK AWAY. I promise Mom will show up--and behave.

Fence on my property.

I am building a fence between my property and my neighbors. She is upset because the "good" side is on the inside, where it can be seen from a vantage point on my property. I am not asking her for any $$$ to build this fence so shouldn't I be able to face it any way I please?
Kelly
Answer:
Absolutely. It is your fence and you can do it any way that you wish. Now you know where the term "spite fence" comes from! If you value your relationship with your neighbor, you might want to make the fence attractive on both sides through the use of paint or stain or in the construction design. The extra money in making the fence attractive on both sides will pay big dividends in good neighbor relations for years to come.

Work place etiquette

Question:
I am the American wife of a Vice President working and living in Thailand.I find it inappropriate that the female staff members always make it a point to comment on my husbands looks and style in front of our guests and anyone like saying "Sir you look handsome, like movie star tonight"and much more.. then the other males both VP Thais and foreigners all smirk and give him the eyes as if he is somehow accepting of this practice.They also wantonly offer girls to accompany him on trips or to entertain him when they go out and my husband told me it makes him very uncomfortable.I find the female employees comments to be inappropriate especially in front of the wife and in front of our guests;I am at wits end as to how to address it without sounding like a jealous wife or should I just consider it 'boys will be boys'mens club?!
Thank you so much
kate

Answer:
Apparently you are just now learning of the low esteem in which women are openly viewed. This is common practice where you are and the fact that you find it personally offensive is not going to change thousands of years of social custom in this country. Your husband can explain to them that he does not wish to be offered women like they were cheese cubes at a buffet, but it's not going to stop. Lead by example is the best advice I can give to you.

Condolence etiquette

Question:
A co-workers father passed away this week and our "team" wants to send a condolence gift to let him know we support him. I was asked if there is something beyond flowers that we should send. We are a small company of 14 people. Thanks!
John
Answer:
A HoneyBaked ham is always a thoughtful gift as there are always many people who come to the home after the service and food is always served. Flowers are nice, but food is a better gift.

Guest relations etiquette

I am a lobby concierge working for a busy high end hotel,what is the best etiquette to follow when making compliments to guests.I think Male colleaugues should compliment the 'couple'rather than the individual female and female colleauge should keep it to complimenting female guests so as not to appear to forwaed with male guests..Your thoughts?! and I thank you kindly..
Kate

Answer:
You do not need to be complimenting the guests at all. It is viewed as insincere flattery for the purpose of tip fishing when service workers engage in this sort of behavior. It's "yes ma'am" and "no sir" when you are assisting the guests of your establishment. Compliments from service workers are viewed in askance at best and can be construed as a come-on at worst. Keep it professional and detached, it's not your job to compliment them.

Is she still my Mother in law when my husband died?

Question:
My friend is widowed should her mother in law still introduce her as her daughter in law in public it has been 9 years now. My friend would prefer that she didn't. Thank you.
Lorrie

Answer:
Your friend's mother-in-law is still her mother-in-law as only divorce can end that relationship. Till death do us part counts for the in-laws too--and she will be the widow of this woman's son forever and therefore retains the in-law relationship as well as the right to be Mrs. John Smith until she either dies or remarries.

toe nails

QUESTION: I was at my boy friend house, and we were eating dessert at his living room, he was no wearing shoes, and I pointed out that he was not taking good care of his feet. to make it short, he got up and brought a nail clipper, he was planning to cut his toe nails right there, I was still eating, and tod him that was not polite at all. He stated that he never hear such a thing , but ask me if I preferred for him to cut his toe nails somewhere else, I answered yes, he left I think he was offended with my commentary. I am right or wrong.
Bea

ANSWER: Grooming of any sort is never done at the dinner table.

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: As I mentioned in my previous question, It is lack of good manners to groom your toe nails in the living room?
Answer:
As I stated in my previous answer: Grooming of any sort is never done at the dinner table. It's not even a question of etiquette--anyone who would cut their toenails at the dinner table was raised by wolves in a trailer park. No one with any conception of breeding, couth or manners would even consider doing something like this! It is beyond rude--it is appalling! Are we clear on this? DO NOT GROOM YOURSELF AT THE DINNER TABLE. EVER!!

Birthday Invitation

Question:
We are planning on having a 50th birthday surprise party and we wanted to ask the guests for a contribution how do we word it on the invitation?
Michelle Khan

Answer:
You don't. It's either an invitation or it's not. Asking for a contribution makes it a bill.

Bridal shower ettiquette

Question:
As the grandmother of the bride, I have been invited to a second shower for the bride. Is it bad etiquette to say "no" There are many costly family events at the same time. I do not want to offend.
jo

Answer:
No, you are not required to attend any event. All you have to do is send your regrets in a timely manner.

Office food etiquette

Question:
When it's someone's birthday and a homemade dessert (i.e. cheesecake, enough for 12)is made and brought in for that person and placed on his desk is it proper for any peron from the department to go over and help themselves without asking? There's about 50 people in my department and I made this for my good friend expecting him to share with the 7 or 8 in his immediate spot and 2 people (whom neither of us care for I might add...)just came over and helped themselves without asking. Please advise if I was out of line in finding this extremely rude!
Karen

Answer:
As you made the cheesecake as a gift, and placed it on the desk of the intended recipient, it was incredibly rude of these people to help themselves without asking. You might explain to them that you made it as a gift for the birthday person, not as a general snack for the office to share. Next time put it in a wrapper and put a bow on it to keep the office pigs out of it. That being said, it's also not appropriate to bring in something you expect to be shared without bringing enough for everyone. It's either a gift he takes home and enjoys with family or enough to share with everyone. The exception would be if you all sneaked into the break room and had a private celebration.

Canadian "thank you's"...or not?

Question:
Dear Sir or Madam-My husband and I are U.S. citizens, living in Texas. We attended the wedding of his niece in Montreal last summer. It was a casual, Jewish based wedding. At the wedding, we gave the bride's mother a wedding card with a considerable amount of cash inside for their gift. We had never received an acknowledgment or thank you from the newlyweds for the gift. We finally got the courage up to ask if they had received the envelope, and the niece's reply was, "It is not customary in Canada to send 'thank you's' for wedding gifts." I have never heard of ANY country whose custom it is NOT to acknowledge a gift, especially a generous wedding gift. Please set me straight on this and tell me why such polite and proper people as Canadians would have such a custom.Thanks so much for your time and input with this inquiry.
Sincerely,
Frannie Volinsky
Answer:
That's a lot of crap--she's just too lazy to send you a note. Every English-speaking country sends thank you notes for wedding gifts. Obviously she was not raised properly, feel free to remark to her mother that you never got a thank you note and give her mother your address in case she 'lost' it. If the mother has any modicum of propriety, your note should arrive forthwith. Of course if she's French Canadian, then you will die of old age before receiving a note as in my experience, French Canadians are every bit as rude as their Gallic counterparts in Europe.

50th Anniversary dinner

Question:
I wanted to give my parents a 5oth anniversary dinner, however they would prefer just to go away for a weekend together because they never get away and they aren't that big into fancy parties. So, I decided to pay for a week-end getaway for the two of them as my gift to them, but I also want to have a scaled down version of a 50th celebration because I would like to involve family and friends. The family members that attend would be paying for their own dinner and I will be paying for the invited guests (friends). The problem I have is that we will all be in the same small room for the dinner. How do the family members pay their checks without the guests seeing them and wondering if they need to pay also. I can't figure out how some will pay and the others will be on my check. If you have any suggestions, I would sure appreciate it.
Christine
Answer:
You tell the waitstaff in advance the people who are your guests. They will put them all on your bill and the rest will receive a check at the end of the meal. One caveat--most restaurants will automatically add 18-20% to your check for 6 or more guests so LOOK AT IT to make sure you aren't tipping twice.

Not Walking -- Graduation Announcements?

Question:
Dear Teri, I will not be attending my college graduation ceremony because I am immediately continuing (at the same college) to a 1 year grad program and would prefer my parents spent the money and time coming to that. However, my mother would like to announce my undergraduate graduation. Is it appropriate to send out announcements or would it look tacky? If I send them, what do I say since there's no time or ceremony that I'm inviting people to? Thank you, Jessica
Answer:
An announcement is an entirely different thingthan an invitation, you are telling them you graduated, not inviting them to a party or the ceremony.

Bridal Shower date error

Question:
I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend and I sent out the invitations with the incorrect date printed on them. What should I do?
Dana

Answer:
Call everyone that you sent an invitation and tell them you goofed and give them the correct date. It's OK, things happen like this and it's not a life and death thing, but the important thing is to let them know ASAP what the correct date is so they can plan accordingly. Treat it with humor--I always find some sort of silly thing to say such as "I'm old and I'm blonde so I score twice on the idiocy meter--mea culpa!"

Hosting Baby showers

Question:
Is it appropriate for family members to host a baby shower?
Anne
Answer:
No, it isn't. They aren't supposed to host bridal showers either.

Surprise 25th wedding anniversary party

My sisters and I are throwing my parents a party for their wedding anniversary. Its a BBQ and we want it to pretty laid back to reflect who they are. We are planning on sending our parents on a much needed vacation for a gift. We would like to state on the invitations that no gifts are necessary, but we know some people may still want to send something anyways. Since our parents have everything they want, my question is, how do we properly say on the invitations, no gifts, however, if you would like to contribute to a vacation gift, that would be appreciated or your money will go towards their trip, ....etc....? Or is this a huge no no.....?? As a side note, our family members and friends that we are inviting are very laid back as well, and we dont think anyone would take offence to this we just dont know how to say it. Ultimately, no gift (cash or other) is necessary, as we just want to celebrate 25 years together. Thanks for any help!
Dayna

Answer:
You put "No Gifts Please" on the invitation. Those who truly want to bring a gift will, and the rest will not. It is never proper to ask or hint for cash gifts--it's the ultimate no-no!

Use of name in conversation

Question:
Is it more polite to address someone by name when you are talking with them or just to talk directly without ever using their name? For instance, "It's nice to see you - how have you been?" Or, "It's nice to see you, Charlie - how have you been?" Or, for instance - "Wow, Barbara, you really look good in that outfit!" - or, "Wow, you really look good in that outfit!"
Beverly

Answer:
There's no polite rule per se on using someone's name in the manner you inquired about. However, from a psychological standpoint, the use of someone's name in a conversation tells that person that they are important to you. It's always as good idea to try and remember to use people's names for that reason.

Introducing couples in a wedding program

Question:
How do you introduce a married couple at the reception after their "renewal of vows" ceremony? "Ladies and gentlemen let us all welcome..." ?
Kay
Answer:
You don't need to introduce them because everyone at the ceremony already knows them and knows their name.

Proper attire for the grandmother of the bride

Question:
My granddaughter will be married in June. It is to be small wedding. The bride will wear a beautiful white wedding dress, one maid of honor. Question. I would like to wear a lovely designer black flowing silk pants and top, chiffon 3/4 length jacket with flat black sandals. Is this style appropriate, and is it inappropriate to wear black?
Diane
Answer:
You can wear black to an evening or late afternoon wedding. I'm sure you will look lovely. It might be a tad too severe for a morning wedding, however black is becoming very fashionable in bridesmaid's dresses. I think you will be OK with wearing it, and you could brighten it a bit with a colorful scarf or jewelry and a big brooch.

How to reply with regrets

Question:
I've received an invitation to a Bar Mitzvah and the RSVP card is essentially blank - at the top of the card it says "Please respond by the fourth of April". Nothing else - what is proper wording to express our regrets and that we are unable to attend?
Thank you,
Kim
Answer:
You call them tomorrow and tell them that you are terribly sorry, but will be unable to attend.

RSVP wedding

Question:
Hello, I recently received a 'save the date' card for my friends wedding, but it didn't come with a RSVP card. I was wondering how to RSVP in the correct way? Also the card says "invitation to follow Mr. and Mrs. McCormick" (the brides parents). Does this mean I have to address my RSVP to them or should I be awaiting an invitation? I'm very confused. What should I do? Yours sincerely, Julia Rivers
Answer:
The 'save the date' card is a way of telling you that you ARE going to be invited to the wedding and to make arrangements if they are needed. When the invitation comes, you will reply to the people to whom the reply card inside the envelope is addressed. Usually the bride's parents are the host/hostess of the wedding. No action is necessary on your part at this time, but when you receive the invitation, you should RSVP as soon as possible. You might also call your friends (if you are local to them) and offer them congratulations and an offer of any help you want to give them towards the planning.

Family who invite themselves for holidays-wearing out welcome

QUESTION: Dear Teri,
Hello. I have a question regarding etiquette, and perhaps you can help on this. First, of all, I have an in-law who lives with my husband's sister. I will not go into too much detail, but basically the sibling is paying 100 percent of this person's bills, as they have refused to work. This in itself, has created family stress, however, when my husband and I were dating, it was expected to show at all of the family dinners, church events, etc... I basically put my own family on the back burner for quite sometime. Over the years, there have been more issues, but now I have a child. My DH and I have stopped doing two or three dinners to appease everyone-basically my suggestion. It is difficult running all over creation to meet up at one house for dinner, and then another. Well, for Easter, we have started a new tradition... we meet up with one family for their church service, followed by the other's lunch or dinner plans. It has been ok so far, but the relatives act clueless about the new deal. My ils are the worst, though... Two years ago, when it was their turn to have the church, but without meal, they were inviting themselves to lunch with my family, which I am sure my family wouldn't want. Then, my il hinted over the weekend, to give an idea of what we are doing for lunch plans, etc... when we specifically told the person, that we were ONLY doing church this year (mind you they will have ample time to spend with my child). It is not this person's business, and I don't like lying, but I am thinking of making something up, as I am afraid they will show to our family Easter, and my b-day celebration. They are extremely pushy and always try to make comparisons of my child to them, so conniving and juventile at times.... always trying to create some kind of issue, although my husband sides with them, but of course, he is treated like a king by them. Basically, how should I politely state that we are doing church with the ils and not lunch with them if they try to pull the invite stunt? Thanks so much.
Katie

ANSWER: My but that was a long question--I hope I got the gist of it and here's my advice: In my family everyone chooses a holiday and then has the type of celebration they wish to have. My sister does Thanksgiving and it's a potluck--she cooks the turkey and ham and some side dishes and everyone brings a dish to the party. Another sister does Christmas and her party is a cocktail buffet from 3 to about 8 with drinks and many types of appetizers and snacks and she does all of the appetizers and no one has to bring anything except their own liquor, beer and mixers are provided along with food. On New Year's Day my brother has a barbecue with steaks and hearty side dishes and everyone brings a dessert since he doesn't like to make desserts. Easter is a breakfast after the sunrise church service and the sister that does Easter has everyone bring a dish. I do the 4th of July and it's a pool party with everyone bringing their own bottle but I do all the food and desserts.By assigning a holiday to each family member (we drew the holidays out of a hat and you are allowed to trade holidays if you want to) everyone knows where they are supposed to be and what they are supposed to do on every holiday. It's worked very well for us.If you don't wish to participate in a particular event, then you tell them that you will be unable to attend and if they ask why, you tell them "Because it's simply impossible for me to attend" and repeat that every time they ask--like a broken record. They'll get it.

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks Teri, but unfortunately, my family won't go for not showing to the events. I know my last post was very wordy, but my problem is there are two small families-mine and my husband's. We try to do both holidays as the relatives don't typically share/swap events. My ils and parents don't hang out so we are dividing the plans in a way. I guess my main question is how to not offend someone who is hinting or inviting themselves to the other family's events, since we have chosen to do both activities on the same day (it is only fair to do one with one/then the other). I am very polite and don't know what to say with my ils hints at times. I am thinking of saying "We already have plans with my family, but we should all get together in a few months for a cook-out, something to that extent." I am just clueless as I am too polite to say anything, and hope my husband will speak for me. And, if the ils show at the dinner, my family will be livid with someone else showing. Thanks again for your help.
Answer:
The answer would be not to mention the other events. Don't tell your husband the time/date of celebrations that you don't wish for his family to attend. You can also put a stop to this by going away with your husband for a major holiday--go skiing for Christmas or take a trip on Thanksgiving with just the two of you. You can politely stand up for yourself without being rude. You tell each side that you haven't heard if there's going to be a celebration and you must enlist your husband to help you. When you are invited to your Mother's Christmas at 7 pm you don't tell your ils (I love that term by the way) when it is or even that it is taking place--it's unlikely that they would be driving by to see if your car is there...isn't it? Learn to keep a secret and don't mention things to both sides of the family--that way they are not hurt about not being invited to the party they don't know about.The first thing you can do is break the habit of HAVING TO BE AT THE CELEBRATION EVERY YEAR. Make plans to go somewhere else for Christmas this year--and tell them about it early, so they don't expect you. The following year you will find that it's much easier to schedule the holidays!

Invitation to a music concert, Reciprocity?

Question:
I've accepted an invitation to a music concert; my hosts are providing my ticket. We will no doubt go out before the event. What are some appropriate and gracious ways of reciprocating and/or showing appreciation? Thank you.
Evelyn

Answer:
Certainly you should send a thank-note within a week of the concert and perhaps you could buy a bottle of wine for the table and have it put on your check if you go out to dinner before the show. The note is the most important thing.

Social Etiquette and Good Manners

Question:
how do you address the heading of a doctor and his wife to an invitation?
Valinda
Answer:
Dr. and Mrs. John Jones
123 Main Street
Anytown, ST 12345

It's improper to brag about your children's achievements in a college graduation announcement

QUESTION: my son is graduating from college. we have ordered and received his school's personalized announcements. they're lovely, however, when ordering, there was no opportunity to include the fact that he is graduating magna cum laude. i would like to include a small card (ie: calling card/business card size) which i would print in the same font used on the announcement. can you suggest appropriate wording for this card on which i wish to indicate this wonderful achievement?
Deborah
ANSWER: It is considered unseemly to brag about one's achievements even if they are your child; which is why you don't announce it with the graduation. It's not appropriate and it's considered very tacky. You will, however, have the pleasure of watching him graduate with a special collar on his gown to indicate that he is a magna grad and they will also announce the names of the honors graduates and give them their diploma in a group. I think you will also notice that in the announcements there's a special color in the school emblem that denotes he's an honor graduate and his diploma will also indicate that he is an honors graduate.

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: hello...thank you very much for your quick response! i will carefully consider your opinion. i am really puzzled, though, by your opinion that including the level of honor associated with his graduation is unseemly, tacky and inappropriate.the reason i even considered including exceptional honors within his graduation announcement is that i have two sons graduating in may from two different universities; ironically, the school from which one is graduating, but not with honors, does give the option of noting honors on the announcement. each of these schools' announcements are being produced by the same nationally known company. Jostens tells me that the school makes the decision, usually based on space vs information regarding dates, locations, etc. that the school wishes to have included on the announcement.yes, my son who is graduating with honors will wear a hood of a different color, indicating honors (this will be seen of course, only by those of us actually attending the ceremonies); but there is no indicator on the emblem on the announcement; finally, is it your opinion that a company such as Jostens would encourage inclusion of honors on the announcement if it was truly considered 'tacky'?

ANSWER: It is considered unseemly and tacky to brag about one's achievements in polite American society. The reason for this is to protect the tender feelings of someone who may have tried their very best to also be an honor student and didn't quite make it. Obviously you have your heart set on putting in a card about your son graduating with honors, so no matter how you word it, to everyone who receives one it will read like this:"Junior is graduating with honors. I'm telling you this because it's the only achievement or thing I have to talk about in my totally boring life. I also want to lord it over you since YOUR child didn't manage to graduate with honors and make you feel like an inadequate parent and because I am totally lacking in class and social skills. I put this card in the graduation announcement so you can laugh at me behind my back about my totally tacky announcement and speculate about when you will get the announcement about how much he will be making when he finally gets a job."Since this is exactly what people will think and say when they get the announcement, you can let them know that you already know what they will say and think and save yourself a lot of time. Of course if you are not in the USA, there might be different customs, I believe some cultures in the third world DO brag about their weight, salary and age.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: how do you equate including high honors on a graduation announcement with bragging about ones weight, salary or age? your comment about protecting the 'tender feelings of someone who may have tried their very best to also be an honor student but didn't quite make it' sounds like those who think NO achievement should be celebrated, so that those who didn't reach the same achievement won't feel hurt. perhaps the honor student shouldn't be distinguished by the color on their gown, or wording on their diploma, either. what about the students who tried their best to graduate from college but didn't quite make it? perhaps no graduation announcement should be sent at all. perhaps no ceremony should be held.what about the boy who tried his very best to make the athletic team but just didn't have quite enough talent? do we not celebrate the efforts of those who are able to rise to the top? or do we say 'never mind, let's not have a team, because little johnny just can't catch and he'll be so hurt if we play, and especially if we catch, in front of him?’ you are not correct in assuming that i 'have my heart set on' including this card. i am still weighing my decision. but your acerbic accusation: "I'm telling you this because it's the only achievement or thing I have to talk about in my totally boring life." is by far the rudest thing i can remember hearing in quite some time. what causes you to be so petty and ugly in your response? no one who would compose such a vicious sounding response should tout herself as an ‘expert in good manners’.
Answer:
RE-READ my answer, either you were too busy overreacting to comprehend or even read correctly what my reply was or English isn't your native language. You asked me a question. I answered it. You then proceeded to send me a dissertation on why you felt it would be OK to do what I told you was a horridly tacky thing to do since one of the schools your children attend puts a different color on the announcement for honor graduates. I sent you a reply that you didn't like because you either did NOT read it or reading comprehension isn't one of your strong points. If you want to try to impress the people at your trailer park, have at it. It won't be me they will be making fun of and my answer was neither rude nor ugly, it was an example of how people react and think in this type of social situation, not a personal slam--it has nothing to do with your apparent delusion that your child's achievement makes you wonderful and that the rest of the world is just drooling to hear about how your son managed to graduate a magna, quite frankly, no one other than you (and possibly graduate school admissions people) gives a shit.

What to serve at my daughter's wedding

QUESTION: I am planning the appetizers for my daughter's wedding - we are expecting approx 175 guests. I would like to serve fruit{red and white grapes, strawberries} assorted cheeses, specialty crackers and assorted grissini. I am struggling with how much of each I will need. The reception prior to the full dinner will last about an hour. I would so appreciate your guidance.

ANSWER: What is grissini? I've never heard of it--could it possibly be crostini which is toasted bread slices upon which one places toppings?

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: grissini is a thin crunchy Italian breadstick 8-12 inches in length.

Answer: Thank you for enlightening me--I always like to learn new things. What you have sounds really good and cheese and crackers are always a crowd pleaser. You should figure on 6-8 appetizer bites per person per hour. If it's an afternoon wedding and you are serving fruit, that might not go over as fruit/cheese is more of a dessert or morning type of dish. You might want to consider something a little more 'dinner' like shrimp or meatballs or add some cold meat like pate or sausage slices with the cheese. An antipasta platter might be really good with some marinated cheese and marinated artichoke hearts. Costco sells buckets (about 2 pounds I think) of marinated bite size balls of fresh mozzarella as well as divine marinated artichoke hearts--both of which I've had and they are very tasty. I'd also think about maybe having a wheel of baked brie which can be topped with basil and raspberry preserves and wrapped in piecrust or puff pastry and baked--these are hugely popular and it could be the centerpiece of the fruit display. I had one of these at a New Year's party last year that was so good I chased down the caterer and begged for the recipe and if anything ever happens to my husband, I'm marrying this caterer--or at least pitching a tent on his front lawn until he gives me kitchen priveleges!!

Jealous fiance issue

Dear Teri,
hi is it poor taste or not to give a coworker a very casual hug non embrasing goodbye at a social event..no different than a casual kiss on the cheek ? let me explain while attending a social function with coworkers , my fience and i were leaving decending the steps out, a coworker runs into me (female) she says oh your leaving the party early i explain i was on call and needed to leave..i tell her to enjoy the party and gave her a very loose courteous hug ..now this co worker means nothing to me i was being polite my fience the next day exploded that she couldnt believe i did that in front of her!...my god just an hour prior my boss gave her a kiss on the cheek welcoming her to the party! nothing but a social welcome/goodbye i've always have done this its done at all social function with taste.....am i wrong?
Roger

Dear Roger.
Your fiance may have some issues Roger and you need to use this situation as a warning bell as to what's coming down the road. You did nothing wrong and for her to overreact like this is a clear and obvious sign that she has insecurity issues in a big way that will translate to a very jealous and demanding wife who won't be a lot of fun to be with in a lifetime marriage. Jealousy like that isn't a sign of how much you love someone--it's a sign of how insecure you are. I'd reassess the relationship and do some reflection on any other situations like this--because being married to an insanely and irrationally jealous person is a nightmare--stalkings and murders have been known to happen.

Rude comments about my marriage

Dear Teri,
While my husband stepped away during a party, three of our friends made a rude comment about our marriage. I was very offended. When we got home from party, I told my husband. He wanted to address it with them. I told him that I would be very uncomfortable if he did that and asked him not to. He told me he was going to anyway. The next night we saw them again, and in a small group setting of only 6 people he brought it up. I was so embarrased, I left the room. What is the proper way to handle something like this?
Pam

Dear Pam,
WOW! Your friends are WAY out pf line BUT--your husband should NOT have gone against your wishes like that, in doing so he broke a serious rule of marriage--you never ever do anything to betray something your spouse tells you in confidence and asks you not to repeat--it's a matter of trust. I'd be so angry at my husband if he did something like this that he would hide from me for days! The proper way to handle this is that when someone makes a rude comment about your marriage, you look at them as if you are sure you have heard them incorrectly and say in a very sharp tone "Excuse me?" They should immediately apologize and make ammends for their inexcusable boorish behavior and if they don't, you turn and WALK AWAY and don't go back. A lady NEVER allows her spouse/marriage to be disparaged by anyone for any reason and these people are not friends if they are making comments like this--that's your HUSBAND and MARRIAGE they are insulting and it's extremely rude and ill-bred of them to disparage it in any way. Your husband should have respected your wishes and heeded the axiom:knowing what people say behind your back helps to better evaluate what they say to your face.

I want to cater my daughter's wedding for 250 but I don't cook....

Dear Teri,
I am contemplating catering my daughters wedding myself. I know it's a big task and am prepared to hire the staff needed and rent all the equipment needed to pull off the affair. It will be outdoors and in June of 2009. My husband, my daughters fiance, and of course many others are big on steaks on the grill. I'm leaning toward Prime Rib but I'm not sure if it would be equally easy to have a roast and someone carving it? Or have someone grilling the steaks on a large grill at a grill station. I suppose a roast sliced and placed in chafing dishes is the easiest route to go? But I think the presentation of a grilling station would be better.If for a grilling station, would it be best to just get Prime Rib steaks? Or roast a prime rib, slice then put on grill?I'm trying to come up with a menu now for a lot of pre-made and frozen stuff that just has to be heated. Another question I have is about 'warming' or 'proofing' ovens. What is the process of preparing all the heated foods without having to have 10 ovens? This is confusing me on how this is done. Is stuff heated then placed in those tall warming ovens to stay heated? Heated then placed in chafing dishes for the duration? Again, I'm prepared to rent the ovens needed but don't know if one large commercial oven and a proofing oven would be good or if I would have to rent more?Sorry for all the confusion but this isn't my area of expertise, and again, I'm just contemplating this for now. I may have to hire the caterer but the one we wanted is not available for our date so I thought I'd look into doing it ourselves. Again, with hiring out the professional help needed.Thanks in advance for any help!

Alisa,
Don't do this--there's NO WAY you can do a dinner like this for 250 people without the massive amounts of kitchen equipment that a professional caterer has. I'm a wedding planner by trade and if I were planning this wedding and you told me you were going to cater this with home equipment and some rentals, I would not participate in it because this is going to be a disaster--even if you were a professional caterer you cannot pull this off without the equipment in a professional kitchen. Even a restaurant could not put out 250 steaks at the same time if everyone came in at the same time. Here's one example of what I mean: To cook a steak to medium you need 9 minutes or so on each side for a 1" thick steak. That's 18 minutes. You can fit 10 (maybe 12) steaks on a grill, so you will need to be constantly cooking and you will turn out a dozen steaks every 20 minutes. This means it will take about 3-4 HOURS to grill everyone's steaks and I know you don't cook because no one who cooks would EVER contemplate cooking a prime rib and then grilling it! LOL Sweetie, I know weddings are expensive--I save my brides a ton of money because EVERYONE rapes brides and weddings--here's a hint when you are shopping for something for the wedding, say 'FAMILY REUNION' not "wedding", that alone will save you 20%. Get your guest list trimmed down to where you can afford the caterer without mortgaging the house or do whatever you need to do but PLEASE don't try to do a wedding of this magnitude with rented equipment--you don't even know the correct use of a proofing oven!! It's to make bread rise--it doesn't get above 110 degrees which is not hot enough to hold food safely.If you need more help, let me know, I'll do my best. Trust me on this!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------QUESTION: I so appreciate the honesty, and realize how foolish I must have sounded. LOL I should hope I at least gave you a laugh for the day :). I realize it may sound like I'm trying to save a ton of money by doing this myself on a backyard Weber, but other than maybe thinking I was going to save a few bucks, it really is a matter of wanting to have exactly what we want. The grill I was thinking of are those huge 60" (I think that was the size) rental grills, or I know you can rent those massive things that pull behind cars. I was thinking of a few of those large one's, or however many I would need. And a chef for them.As for the oven equipment things, there is a place here to rent the large commercial Viking ovens, Cambro units, etc.My daughter was going to have a destination wedding which I was so looking forward to, and just changed her mind recently and decided on June of 2009 (6 months earlier than planned) and decided to have it on a family farm. We have to literally bring in everything as it is. Tents, tables, chairs, bathrooms, etc. I wouldn't attempt anything like this in the kitchen at the house, I was thinking along the lines of setting up the garage like a literal commercial kitchen with rental stuff. As I said, the Viking stoves, etc. Of course now I at least know a proofing oven will do me no good, as I don't plan on making my own bread. LOL I've seen warming ovens, I'm assuming those would be what I meant? LOL As for freezer, refrigeration, there already is a commercial size there, so that wouldn't be a problem at all.I am only contemplating this and was trying to determine what I would exactly need and the process of warming food and holding it, etc. And I certainly wouldn't take this on myself, I am pricing up the 'people' rental I would need also. There is a staff service I could get a chef, cooks, servers, and any other help. But again, I don't know the process of cooking for this many people so I don't know if I would have to rent 10 ovens or what?I guess the only reason I really started thinking of doing it ourselves is mainly because the caterer we wanted isn't available at this late date, and I thought we're going to have meat, who doesn't love steaks on the grill? But I want decent food to go along with it and not someone like Bobby's Backyard BBQ with slaw and beans. Okay, that is a made up name but I think you know what I mean. The caterer we want did my oldest daughters wedding 2 years ago. And she's as disappointed as I am that they can't do this one. And I know what you mean about everyone raping brides and weddings, that affair set me back $50,000 + But it was beautiful and I don't regret one penny spent.And you are right, I'm not a cook. I was reading up on Prime Rib roasts and they were talking about cutting them and I figured they cut them steak size then put them on the grill for 'grill' effect. I've been reading so much my mind is mush!!!The guest list 'is' trimmed down believe it or not. I've called a few more caterers and have a few appointments. One caterer is one we looked at for my oldest daughters wedding but I remember their food didn't impress me at all. It just felt like 'normal' blah food. We might just have to 'settle' for less than what we want if I can't get this figured out. Any chance you'd want to fly to Maryland and take care of all of it for me? LOLI do so appreciate your help. Thanks so much!
Answer:
If the save the date cards haven't gone out, you might want to change the date to one your original caterer can do, which would be your very BEST option in my opinion. I can come to Maryland and help you if you need me to, and believe me when I tell you that I will get a lot done for you, even in a weekend!If your daughter is just interested in good food, there are a lot of places that will do some really good food and not charge a fortune, the one that comes immediately to mind is Boston Market--they did a wedding for me and everyone raved about how good the food was--and they did it on 2 weeks notice because the original caterer ran off with the bride's deposit!! (This was not one I did from start to finish--they called me in desperation because they lost 12K when the caterer THEY chose on their own ran out with their money and now they needed a wedding and had 12K LESS to spend!!) I pulled it together for them on what they could afford and everyone had a great time--and this bride sends me more referrals than you can believe!!Why don't you call me or email me directly and I'll see what I can do to help you? Take a look at my website and see if there's anything I can do for you. www.weddingwire.com/teridavisnewman I know it's tough when kids change plans on the last minute--I meet a lot of parents who are ready to kill their daughters!!

Happy Holidays!

Teri

death of my doctors child

Greeting to all,

My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.Kindest regards, Benno
Answer:
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.

50th Wedding Anniversary Gifts

Dear Teri,

My parents are going to be celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary in June. We are planning a party for them.They have asked that we put no gifts please on the invitation. But in lieu of gifts give to the building fund at their church. I just wondered if that is correct for a50th Anniversary. I have only heard of that at a funeral.If so how do I word it on the invitation.Thanks
Answer:
Well, it's a bit awkward, but in this situation the proper wording for the invitation can make all the difference. I'd put something on the invitations like:All we need is for you to celebrate with us, but if you wish to make a donation to the building fund of our church, that would be the most wonderful gift we could ever desire.Something like that should be acceptable and convey the proper tone.

Group Travel- Etiquette

Dear Teri,

A group of friends (4) have planned a weekend trip. one individual has to cancel due to illness- should the other friends go? no money would be lost if the weekend trip did not occur. i was just wondering if it was rude to continue with the trip if the whole idea was the 4 friends spending a weekend together before graduation.
Answer:
She can't help that she got sick, and I know I would feel worse if my friends canceled a long-planned trip just because I couldn't make it! If the rest of you want to go then go--as difficult as it is to plan anything these days, don't waste it now!

Wedding charade--Couple are already married!!

Dear Teri,
My son who lives in Texas and his 'fiance' have been planning a wedding for over a year. I have been involved somewhat in that I was planning to give the rehearsal dinner along with his father and my current husband, his step father. Obviously we have been communicating and handling family matters on a friendly, open and cooperative basis. While discussing details with my son about the upcoming events, I inquired about his "fiance's" already using his last name on her e-mail communications. I joked, 'Has the wedding already occurred? He sheepishly informed me, well yes they are married. I was shocked of course and asked when this happened. His reply was that it had happened last November. His father knew about it and his sister knew about it-since November. The wedding invitations were mailed out in February. So you see, they have all been carrying on a charade. Now I am involved and aware of what is occurring. I do not approve to say the least and am not willing to be a party to it. Unfortunately, this came to light 3-4 days after invitations to the rehearsal dinner had been mailed. I want to cancel everything. They don't. I want to inform people they are already married and this would be a repeat of their vows. They don't. I don't want to be involved in this deception. Please advise me. I love my son. I don't want to see him hurt, but this is just not right. Please help me.
Answer:
I agree, this is dishonest, but if no one celebrated the wedding previously and it was a civil ceremony, then this will be the religious ceremony and it's common in many places to have both a civil and religious ceremony. I am distressed that he and everyone else has lied to you, this is wrong--you should have been told. It's still OK to have the wedding as it's not like they had a big celebration--this is the big celebration. My cousin got married in Lake Tahoe and then had the reception a week later but everyone knew they were already married. Still, the fact that they are already married is not that big of a deal since they didn't have a previous large ceremony and reception.While I think he was wrong to have lied to you, there are many reasons he might have gone ahead with the ceremony--the most pressing one these days being health insurance. If one of them had no health insurance and the other one did through their employer, it might have been necessary for the wedding to take place. Also, your DIL might have been pregnant and they got married and subsequently there was a first-trimester miscarriage which happens a lot. Both your son and daughter-in-law owe you an apology for lying to you and you are perfectly within your rights to demand one. However, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that they had an early civil ceremony does it? All their friends and loved ones would still come to this if they knew because they would still want to celebrate the marriage, albeit belatedly, wouldn't they? They are still doing a church wedding which is a separate and special event because they are now going before God in front of all their loved ones to profess their love and commitment, and do you not want to attend because it is technically redundant? I see the issue as one of honesty with you and your son and daughter-in-law and they were wrong to lie to you and this is no way to start a marriage however she was openly using his name and if you had asked earlier they probably told you since they confessed right away when queried. I am perplexed as to why your ex-husband and daughter were in on the secret and not you--was it because they knew you would not want to have the wedding if you knew? If you had known, what would you do differently? It's not a major social breach--it's basically an incorrect date on the invitation and nothing more--I doubt that any of the guests will care enough to cancel or that they will be upset. It's not an issue of honesty with the guests, but it is with you and it should be and you have every right to be upset. My thought is that you might want to tell your guests--the ones YOU personally invited--that a civil ceremony has already taken place and that you thought they should know and you are calling at this late date because you were JUST informed. They will still come to the wedding and share your joy and you will feel better about not deceiving them.Blessings,Teri Davis Newman

Sweet 16 invites, I only want to have adults & teens

Dear Teri,
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Answer:
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.

Holiday Family Housguest, How Many?

Question:
My husband and I relocated to my in-laws area to help care for my paraplegic father-in–law. My husband’s entire family (3 generations) comes home for Thanksgiving (25 people). My in-laws always keep my husband’s single sister and another brother’s family (wife and 1 daughter). I am expected to keep the rest of the family. I have one guest room because we have a home business office. Last Thanksgiving I slept on the bare floor, under the dining room table (the only place left in the house). Not one person made a bed or rolled up a sleeping bag. My entire house was wall to wall clothes, sleeping bags and towels. My cat was so stressed by the multitude of people and smells that she wet one of the beds, something she never does. Everyone left the house as soon as they were dressed to spend time with the in-laws. I received no thank-you notes.This past Labor Day one family (5 members) stayed with us. We gave up our master suite to them. The parents had our king sized bed and the three children had foam rubber mattresses on the floor. The wife informed me that their family would have slept better if they had had separate bedrooms. No beds were made or towels brought out, even though I specifically requested this. Again, no thank-you notes.All of the family members that stay with us are very well-off financially and take nice vacations. Is it unreasonable to say that I am perfectly happy to house one couple and that the rest need to arrange for hotel accommodations?

Answer:
Of course not! It's unreasonable for them to expect to stay in your home and treat you like an innkeeper! I think it's outrageous that you let them take advantage of you like they did and they couldn't be bothered to send a thank-you note! Were they raised by wolves??What you need to do is call a local hotel and see if they have a group rate for however many rooms you will need. When they call, you tell them you have the most wonderful news and that you have arranged a special rate for them at the hotel. When they ask why you won't be hosting the wolf pack, you tell them that you are unable to do so this year. If they press you on why, you say: Because it's just impossible for me to do it this year. Stand tough and don't let them bully you or guilt you. If they are so desperate, they can go stay with mom and dad and tough toenails! You do the lion's share of caring for THEIR parents and you absolutely should not have to put up with these rude people in your home.

Proper Wording of a Wedding Invitation

Question:
Is there a better way to word & line the following: Mr. & Mrs. James Moore (bride's father & stepmother)request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Mrs. Susan King-Moore's (bride's mother, divorced Moore,re-married to Mr. Smith but did not change her hyphenated name)andMr. James Moore's daughterMary Ellen andMr. Robert Graham Jonesson of Dr. Jillian Jonesetc. etc. The requirements are:Stepparents hosting weddingRecognition of mother & father of brideRecognition of mother of groom (absolutely do not mention father)
Answer:
WOW! This is a doozy! LOL OK here we go--and this is the CORRECT way to word this:
Mr. & Mrs. James Moore
Mrs. Susan King-Moore
Dr. Jillian Jones
Request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their children:
Mary Ellen Moore
to
Mr. Robert Graham Jones
On Saturday the 1st of July Two Thousand and Nine (or 2009)at half past three
At Our Lady of Great Agony Church
123 Main Street
Anytown, ST. 00000
Reception Immediately following ceremony at:
Name of Venue
Address of Venue
The Favour of A Reply is requested by June 10, 2009

sympathy card

Question:
We run a towing service in a small community. A man that owns a similar service in a neighboring community recently passed away. We would like to send a sympathy card to the entire family of the deceased, my question is how do I address the envelope. I know it is not acceptable to mention the deaseased name on the front of the card. Since the business is a family ran business, could I just address it to the "Doe" family? His sons have the same last name.

Answer:
You can indeed address it to the Doe Family.

50th wedding anniversary

Question:
My parents are celebrating 50 years of marriage on 11/11/08. I am hosting a party for them on 11/8/08. My question is: What date do I use for personalizing on napkins, favors, topper for cake etc. Do I use their 50 year ago date or use the date of the party or the actual date being this year?HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer:
You don't need to use a date at all. Just do the the 50 year theme, it's what everyone does. All party stores will have the '50' cake topper candle, 50th anniversary napkins, favors, etc. If you want the actual dates then you are going to have to spend some serious money for custom printing. The invitations read either "50th" or "Golden" wedding anniversary and then you can write the dates in if you like although it isn't necessary--people will believe you. My in-laws are having their 50th in Feb and my hubby is an only child so I am at a loss for what to do for them.

Black dress at a wedding? Is it proper to wear?

Question:

hi am Denise from Malta i really want to ask if the sister of the groom can wear a black dress for an evening wedding . thanks for your help regards Denise

Answer:
Here are the traditional rules: A black dress is never appropriate to wear to a wedding. A white dress is never worn to the wedding because the bride wears white and a red dress is never worn because it draws attention away from the bride. These are the traditional rules, however, at a highly formal wedding the black dress might be acceptable. In days gone by the black dress worn to a wedding signified the wearer's unhappiness over the wedding. Black and white weddings are becoming more more popular with the bridesmaids in black dresses. I would recommend that you consult with the bride and ask her how she feels about your wearing a black dress. As long as she's OK with it, then it should be fine.

Kindergarten birthday party

Question:
School has only been in about 3 weeks, my child has made maybe one or two friends that she can remember when I ask their names. Her birthday is coming up and we will have family from out of town staying with us also. So I really don't want 20 5-6 yr olds running around my house that we don't really know. We will not be having it at McDonalds or etc. Just at home. How do I invite just a couple girls from her class? Thanks for your time

Answer:
Give your child sealed invitations for her two friends. No one else needs to know there's a party.

50th Birthday Party

Question:
I am giving myself a 50th birthday party. What would be the correct wording for the invitation? And should gifts be mentioned?

Answer:
Gifts are never ever mentioned in an invitation unless you are declining all gifts. The wording should be something like this:Please join me in celebrating my first half-century on this planet. or Please join me to mourn the passing of my youth.or if you are more formal it might read The pleasure of your company is requested at my 50th birthday party. Then givethe date,time,place and Rsvp information. Have fun!

Proper Dress for a football game

Question:
I am attending my grandson's first college football game. He attends a private college and I want to accordingly. I don't know exactly how casual to go.

Answer:
Football is football no matter how fancy the school. Dress for the weather as it can be quite chilly in the northeast schools in the winter. Nicely fitting jeans or wool slacks, good quality shoes, and a good quality sweater with a cashmere scarf will give you style and comfort. Low rise jeans with the muffin top looks terrible on anyone and cheap shoes are serious no-no. Nothing says monied class like a wool sweater and a cashmere scarf with a pair of Bass loafers. A good pair of Portolano gloves, is also a nice thing to have.

Is Asking for a Cash Gift Appropriate? How much?

Question:
My female boss is getting married and because it will be her second marriage, they are asking for cash to help with their honeymoon. What amount is appropriate?

Answer:
It is incredibly tacky to ask for cash as a wedding gift. In polite society it is simply NOT done, and I am astonished that she would commit such an incredible social faux pas. To ask for cash as a wedding gift insults your guests in two ways. The first way implies that they do not have adequate taste to select an appropriate gift. The second way implies that the wedding is being used as a fundraising operation, much the same as having your mother throw you a shower, it is simply NOT done. That being said, the amount that's appropriate is whenever is within your budget should you decide to attend the wedding. If you do not attend the wedding you're not obligated to give any gift, cash or otherwise. Also, you don't have to give cash for a gift even though it was requested, you are welcome to purchase an appropriate gift of your choice.

Grandmother-zilla

Question:
My daughter will soon be engaged and I am very apprehensive about dealing with my mother in law. She is very controlling and wants to be in charge of everything in our family. Through my 28 years of marriage, there has been a conflict on what is my role as wife, mother and what she should be privliged do as grandmother and mother of her son. Can you tell me what the paternal grandmother of a bride normally is involved with for a wedding? Any advice how to keep her from overstepping her bounds. I want to enjoy planning the wedding with my daughter. Thanks!

Answer:
The role of the paternal grandmother at the wedding is very simple. She is invited to the rehearsal dinner and to the wedding and reception. She would also be invited to any bridal showers that you may be having. The mother of the bride and the bride are the ones that are responsible for planning the wedding and working with the wedding planner. I strongly recommend that you retain the services of a wedding planner, a good wedding planner will save you a great deal of money, far more than what you'll end up paying for her services. I typically save my brides a minimum of $5000 for their weddings which is far more than the fee that I normally charge. Additionally, the services of a good wedding planner take a great deal of pressure off of you and your daughter. If you will tell me what area of the country you were located in I can recommend someone to help you if you would like.Congratulations to you and your daughter and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness.

Removing your hat during National Anthem

Question:
I know one is supposed to remove their hat during the national anthem. How about religious head coverings such as yarmulkes? Are they expected to be taken off during the National Anthemn?
Answer:
A head covering worn for religious reasons is not considered a hat. Therefore it does not need to be removed during the national anthem, but you still place your hand over your heart. In order to be absolutely correct, one should remove their hat, stand at attention, and place the right hand over their heart. This is the correct way too show respect to the flag during the national anthem and the pledge of allegiance. Not to place one's hand over their heart is disrespectful to the flag and the country. An example of this sort of disrespect the shown in the photograph above. The man at the end doesn't even have enough respect to stand up straight, let alone put his hand over his heart, he's a disgrace.

Ordering etiquette in a restaurant

QUESTION:

Is it Proper Etiquette and Good Manners for the Host to order first before his/her guests?

Answer:
You can ask your host questions like "What's good here?" and if s/he tells you the lobster and filet are great then order whatever. Most people don't take others to a restaurant if they can't afford the price of the dinner check, but it's polite to ask. It doesn't really matter who orders when at a restaurant since all the food comes to the table at the same time and the waitstaff will take orders from each person and serve in whatever order they choose to--unless it's a very fine restaurant. Most don't know the difference.

Bridal Shower Invitations

Question:
I'm trying to plan a bridal shower for my sister who is having a destination wedding in Turks & Caicos AND a 175 guest reception at a venue after we come back from the island. She wants to invite EVERY woman on the guest list for the big reception and also wants a super fancy over-the-top shower. She barely speaks to half of these people-- and to give her the shower of her dreams just can't happen with 70 guests. What should I do?

Answer:
Tell her she has to cut her guest list to the number you specify because you are unable to host a shower for more than that many people and also, it's improper for a relative of the bride to give the shower--it has to be a friend--so you can't do it anyway.

Funeral Thank You Cards

Question:
Is it proper to send thank you cards out to people who have attended a funeral of your loved one. The funeral home gave us the guest book along with Thank You cards. I didn't think I had to thank you for them paying respect. I need to know what I should do?

Answer:
You send thank you cards to the people who sent flowers (or made donations to a charity in your loved one's name) and brought food. No one else needs to receive one, but the ones who did thoughtful things should receive one. Basically you write something along the lines of "Thank you so much for your kindness and support during this difficult time" and you have 6-8 weeks to send them out.

dining out separate checks

Question:
We are going out for dinner with 4 other couples. Some are very heavy drinkers, while others are not. How do we split the bill or do we ask for separate bills? I am not sure if the establishment will allow the bills to be split.
Answer:
IF the establishment won't give you separate checks for each couple, then all you need to do is stand up en masse and say you will go elsewhere. They will then leap to give you separate checks for each couple as they will not want to lose a potential $800 table.

RSVP to parties

Question:
At my party, the guest list will only include those who RSVP. How do I handle guest who didn't RSVP and show up or those who RSVP and show up with someone totally different?

Answer:
You call the ones you have not received an RSVP from and tell them the caterer is demanding a head count. As for those who show up with someone new, you greet them graciously as they DID RSVP.

Question:
Hi Teri,I'm a 22-year old male, and I have sort of an etiquette question for you. I have a friend who has been asking me to go swimming with him on campus at the university we go to (it's his favourite leisure activity), and I've been sort of making up excuses each time he asks. The truth of the reason why I don't want to go is that I'm a little bit overweight and out-of-shape, and, although I was planning to start exercising (and even swimming) at the athletics centre on campus this fall, I am really self-conscious about my body, and, in particular, would feel uncomfortable exercising 'with' someone because I would be nervous about not being able to keep up, etc.. I can't keep making up excuses not to swim, so I want to just be honest with my friend, but I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying that I'd feel uncomfortable exercising with someone I know (but that is, in all honesty, the reason why!). I also don't want to lie, though, and say something like I have a phobia of water, because like I say, I was planning to try to start swimming or working out on campus this fall myself anyway, so if he did run into me while I was doing this, of course that would be very awkward if I'd said that I couldn't swim or something. Sorry for the long preamble...my question basically is, how could I explain to my friend why I don't want to swim (or do other exercise) with him (i.e. that I'm uncomfortable exercising with someone I know because I'm too self-conscious about my weight, etc.) in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings? He sent an e-mail asking if I'd go swimming Friday evening, so I have to think of a way to explain why I can't, soon. Thanks so much for any advice you can give me on this. I'd really appreciate your help. Sincerely,Ken

Answer:
Ken--here's your answer: Dude--I'd love to swim with you but the beer and chips have put some pounds on me and I want to take them off before I let anyone feast their eyes on my lily-white bod. I plan to start taking care of this in the very near future, but in the interim I don't want to be harpooned at the pool! Best Regards,Moby Dick That should do it--it's honest with a touch of self-deprecating humor.

Thank You!

Question:
When my husband and I go out to dinner, ne expects me to thank him. He feels that if he pays that it is his money and I owe him a thank you. We are married, not dating. I don't feel that I should have to thank my husband for paying for dinner. Can you please clear this up. Thank you!

Answer:
Would you thank a stranger who bought you dinner? Why would your husband be treated less politely than a stranger? Manners are more important in a marriage than in any other place. Anytime someone does something nice for you, the courtesy of saying thank you is the absolute minimum you should do. Does he thank you for the little things you do for him?

Dinner guests ordering at at restaurant

Question:
If you are a guest at a restaurant, is it inappropriate to discuss the specials and appetizers before being asked by the host? And is it inappropriate to order an appetizer before the host suggests them?

Answer:
Restaurant entertaining is a new thing, it's for people who aren't sure enough of their social skills to entertain at home. If you are invited to be someone's guest at a restaurant, then it's polite to follow the lead of your host and if they order an appetizer, then feel free to follow suit. If they don't, then unless you are dying for the lobster pate then you shouldn't. If your host orders a midpriced entree, do likewise. On the other hand, most hosts will make a point of saying "order whatever you like".

OK to refuse get-well gifts?

Question:
My mother recently underwent surgery for an illness. She is doing very well. We have friends and coworkers wanting to send flowers, but in all honesty, we do not want them. We have very politely refused once and thanked them for their thoughtfulness, but some still insist. Is it rude to refuse again? Gina

Answer:
If you don't want the flowers, then take them to the nearest children's hospital or nursing home and send a thank you note. People always mean well but sometimes don't hear well! You can also just say that your mother is allergic to flowers.

Thank you note to the in-laws

And can Question:

My husband and I were married 2 months ago--I need to write a thank you note to my in-laws on their gift of an RV travel trailer and truck. They gave this to us to relieve the debt that my husband owes them in past loans. However, we are selling them both to get a more fuel efficient vehicle. They know that we are selling them, but I am stuck in how I need to write this thank you. PLEASE HELP!! I do not want them to think that we are ungrateful. Thank you in advance for your help!

Answer:

You write it this way:Thank you for the lovely wedding gift. We are putting it to good use and think of you often.

Much Love,Ginger and X

Who goes first?

Question:
Hi I am 23 old teacher of French language from the Czech Republic. With one of my student we are arguing about this question: Who is going first up to the steps. A man or a woman? I think that it should be the man because if the man goes after he could look the woman's legs under the skirt. My student thinks that in all cases it is always man who goes after the woman to catch her in the case she falls down or something like that. Thank you for your answer! Martina

Answer:
If possible they go side by side so that he can assist her. Ladies first is always the rule--and it's not a thrill to peek at a skirt with the thing available on the internet these days!

Widowed 10 days after the wedding

Question:

My girlfriend of 7 months has been widowed for over two years. she only was married for 10 days and dated him for 4 months. it was tragic..but she still wears the wedding ring and has pics of them everywhere. we've been together for awhile so im asking is my feelings of time to put some things away correct? am i being a jealous guy? i just feel uncomfortable....help

Answer:

Tragically for everyone, she was widowed while she was still in the full-fledged stars-in-her-eyes madly in love stage. This makes it extremely difficult because she never got to see the human side of him--the guy who scratches, farts, leaves the toilet seat up and doesn't shave on weekends. Additionally, she was still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, so you are competing with a memory and that's tough--plus he DIED--she didn't have to divorce him and fight for her half and child support--all the things that make someone ready to leave an old love behind, she did NOT have. If she's still wearing her wedding ring on her left hand, then she's not ready to be in a relationship with you. If it's on her right hand, she's still not ready to move on. At some point, she will need to put his photos away and take off the ring, but she's not there yet and you might want to rethink this relationship because he is always going to be there. It's tough to live with a third party in a relationship--especially if it's a ghost. She has a tragic story that makes everyone feel sorry for her and some people DO get addicted to sympathy and the attention it brings--sometimes they do terrible things to keep getting it--Munchhausen-by-proxy comes to mind. Take a couple of steps back and take a look at your situation. Does she tell everyone she's a widow? Does she tell the story to relative strangers as well as people she meets through you? Does she seem to enjoy being the sad, tragic widow and the attention? If she does, you've got bigger problems than a few photos in the house and a ring!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:

i agree...but, it the stages before we met, she was parting quite a bit. Bars, and a lot of dating activity. Thats all fine i guess..but it makes the whole grieving widow thing hard to swallow. I know she still hangs on to her past, but i am totally at a loss sometimes. I really need to know where we stand? you think this is a healthy realitionship? i love her, but.....

ANSWER:

Read the original answer I sent again. She was widowed in TEN DAYS, Life fucked her over--God has a sense of humor and he drinks--a LOT. You either deal with it or you walk away--she has to find her own answers in this situation. She was out drinking because she needed the anesthesia alcohol brings and because she got so royally fucked over, she had needs that I can only begin to comprehend--and I'm a woman. If you love her, ride it out and at some point she will get past this--it's really only been a short time. If you love her and want to spend your life with her, 7 months is NOTHING in a lifetime. Let it ride for 5 more months--that's a year, hopefully by then she will have come to terms with it. She's still in the grieving process and you have to let her finish it her way as we all grieve differently. Keep in touch--I'd like to see how this goes

.---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i will keep in touch..do you have a personal email?