Family who invite themselves for holidays-wearing out welcome

QUESTION: Dear Teri,
Hello. I have a question regarding etiquette, and perhaps you can help on this. First, of all, I have an in-law who lives with my husband's sister. I will not go into too much detail, but basically the sibling is paying 100 percent of this person's bills, as they have refused to work. This in itself, has created family stress, however, when my husband and I were dating, it was expected to show at all of the family dinners, church events, etc... I basically put my own family on the back burner for quite sometime. Over the years, there have been more issues, but now I have a child. My DH and I have stopped doing two or three dinners to appease everyone-basically my suggestion. It is difficult running all over creation to meet up at one house for dinner, and then another. Well, for Easter, we have started a new tradition... we meet up with one family for their church service, followed by the other's lunch or dinner plans. It has been ok so far, but the relatives act clueless about the new deal. My ils are the worst, though... Two years ago, when it was their turn to have the church, but without meal, they were inviting themselves to lunch with my family, which I am sure my family wouldn't want. Then, my il hinted over the weekend, to give an idea of what we are doing for lunch plans, etc... when we specifically told the person, that we were ONLY doing church this year (mind you they will have ample time to spend with my child). It is not this person's business, and I don't like lying, but I am thinking of making something up, as I am afraid they will show to our family Easter, and my b-day celebration. They are extremely pushy and always try to make comparisons of my child to them, so conniving and juventile at times.... always trying to create some kind of issue, although my husband sides with them, but of course, he is treated like a king by them. Basically, how should I politely state that we are doing church with the ils and not lunch with them if they try to pull the invite stunt? Thanks so much.
Katie

ANSWER: My but that was a long question--I hope I got the gist of it and here's my advice: In my family everyone chooses a holiday and then has the type of celebration they wish to have. My sister does Thanksgiving and it's a potluck--she cooks the turkey and ham and some side dishes and everyone brings a dish to the party. Another sister does Christmas and her party is a cocktail buffet from 3 to about 8 with drinks and many types of appetizers and snacks and she does all of the appetizers and no one has to bring anything except their own liquor, beer and mixers are provided along with food. On New Year's Day my brother has a barbecue with steaks and hearty side dishes and everyone brings a dessert since he doesn't like to make desserts. Easter is a breakfast after the sunrise church service and the sister that does Easter has everyone bring a dish. I do the 4th of July and it's a pool party with everyone bringing their own bottle but I do all the food and desserts.By assigning a holiday to each family member (we drew the holidays out of a hat and you are allowed to trade holidays if you want to) everyone knows where they are supposed to be and what they are supposed to do on every holiday. It's worked very well for us.If you don't wish to participate in a particular event, then you tell them that you will be unable to attend and if they ask why, you tell them "Because it's simply impossible for me to attend" and repeat that every time they ask--like a broken record. They'll get it.

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks Teri, but unfortunately, my family won't go for not showing to the events. I know my last post was very wordy, but my problem is there are two small families-mine and my husband's. We try to do both holidays as the relatives don't typically share/swap events. My ils and parents don't hang out so we are dividing the plans in a way. I guess my main question is how to not offend someone who is hinting or inviting themselves to the other family's events, since we have chosen to do both activities on the same day (it is only fair to do one with one/then the other). I am very polite and don't know what to say with my ils hints at times. I am thinking of saying "We already have plans with my family, but we should all get together in a few months for a cook-out, something to that extent." I am just clueless as I am too polite to say anything, and hope my husband will speak for me. And, if the ils show at the dinner, my family will be livid with someone else showing. Thanks again for your help.
Answer:
The answer would be not to mention the other events. Don't tell your husband the time/date of celebrations that you don't wish for his family to attend. You can also put a stop to this by going away with your husband for a major holiday--go skiing for Christmas or take a trip on Thanksgiving with just the two of you. You can politely stand up for yourself without being rude. You tell each side that you haven't heard if there's going to be a celebration and you must enlist your husband to help you. When you are invited to your Mother's Christmas at 7 pm you don't tell your ils (I love that term by the way) when it is or even that it is taking place--it's unlikely that they would be driving by to see if your car is there...isn't it? Learn to keep a secret and don't mention things to both sides of the family--that way they are not hurt about not being invited to the party they don't know about.The first thing you can do is break the habit of HAVING TO BE AT THE CELEBRATION EVERY YEAR. Make plans to go somewhere else for Christmas this year--and tell them about it early, so they don't expect you. The following year you will find that it's much easier to schedule the holidays!