Jealous fiance issue

Dear Teri,
hi is it poor taste or not to give a coworker a very casual hug non embrasing goodbye at a social event..no different than a casual kiss on the cheek ? let me explain while attending a social function with coworkers , my fience and i were leaving decending the steps out, a coworker runs into me (female) she says oh your leaving the party early i explain i was on call and needed to leave..i tell her to enjoy the party and gave her a very loose courteous hug ..now this co worker means nothing to me i was being polite my fience the next day exploded that she couldnt believe i did that in front of her!...my god just an hour prior my boss gave her a kiss on the cheek welcoming her to the party! nothing but a social welcome/goodbye i've always have done this its done at all social function with taste.....am i wrong?
Roger

Dear Roger.
Your fiance may have some issues Roger and you need to use this situation as a warning bell as to what's coming down the road. You did nothing wrong and for her to overreact like this is a clear and obvious sign that she has insecurity issues in a big way that will translate to a very jealous and demanding wife who won't be a lot of fun to be with in a lifetime marriage. Jealousy like that isn't a sign of how much you love someone--it's a sign of how insecure you are. I'd reassess the relationship and do some reflection on any other situations like this--because being married to an insanely and irrationally jealous person is a nightmare--stalkings and murders have been known to happen.

Rude comments about my marriage

Dear Teri,
While my husband stepped away during a party, three of our friends made a rude comment about our marriage. I was very offended. When we got home from party, I told my husband. He wanted to address it with them. I told him that I would be very uncomfortable if he did that and asked him not to. He told me he was going to anyway. The next night we saw them again, and in a small group setting of only 6 people he brought it up. I was so embarrased, I left the room. What is the proper way to handle something like this?
Pam

Dear Pam,
WOW! Your friends are WAY out pf line BUT--your husband should NOT have gone against your wishes like that, in doing so he broke a serious rule of marriage--you never ever do anything to betray something your spouse tells you in confidence and asks you not to repeat--it's a matter of trust. I'd be so angry at my husband if he did something like this that he would hide from me for days! The proper way to handle this is that when someone makes a rude comment about your marriage, you look at them as if you are sure you have heard them incorrectly and say in a very sharp tone "Excuse me?" They should immediately apologize and make ammends for their inexcusable boorish behavior and if they don't, you turn and WALK AWAY and don't go back. A lady NEVER allows her spouse/marriage to be disparaged by anyone for any reason and these people are not friends if they are making comments like this--that's your HUSBAND and MARRIAGE they are insulting and it's extremely rude and ill-bred of them to disparage it in any way. Your husband should have respected your wishes and heeded the axiom:knowing what people say behind your back helps to better evaluate what they say to your face.

I want to cater my daughter's wedding for 250 but I don't cook....

Dear Teri,
I am contemplating catering my daughters wedding myself. I know it's a big task and am prepared to hire the staff needed and rent all the equipment needed to pull off the affair. It will be outdoors and in June of 2009. My husband, my daughters fiance, and of course many others are big on steaks on the grill. I'm leaning toward Prime Rib but I'm not sure if it would be equally easy to have a roast and someone carving it? Or have someone grilling the steaks on a large grill at a grill station. I suppose a roast sliced and placed in chafing dishes is the easiest route to go? But I think the presentation of a grilling station would be better.If for a grilling station, would it be best to just get Prime Rib steaks? Or roast a prime rib, slice then put on grill?I'm trying to come up with a menu now for a lot of pre-made and frozen stuff that just has to be heated. Another question I have is about 'warming' or 'proofing' ovens. What is the process of preparing all the heated foods without having to have 10 ovens? This is confusing me on how this is done. Is stuff heated then placed in those tall warming ovens to stay heated? Heated then placed in chafing dishes for the duration? Again, I'm prepared to rent the ovens needed but don't know if one large commercial oven and a proofing oven would be good or if I would have to rent more?Sorry for all the confusion but this isn't my area of expertise, and again, I'm just contemplating this for now. I may have to hire the caterer but the one we wanted is not available for our date so I thought I'd look into doing it ourselves. Again, with hiring out the professional help needed.Thanks in advance for any help!

Alisa,
Don't do this--there's NO WAY you can do a dinner like this for 250 people without the massive amounts of kitchen equipment that a professional caterer has. I'm a wedding planner by trade and if I were planning this wedding and you told me you were going to cater this with home equipment and some rentals, I would not participate in it because this is going to be a disaster--even if you were a professional caterer you cannot pull this off without the equipment in a professional kitchen. Even a restaurant could not put out 250 steaks at the same time if everyone came in at the same time. Here's one example of what I mean: To cook a steak to medium you need 9 minutes or so on each side for a 1" thick steak. That's 18 minutes. You can fit 10 (maybe 12) steaks on a grill, so you will need to be constantly cooking and you will turn out a dozen steaks every 20 minutes. This means it will take about 3-4 HOURS to grill everyone's steaks and I know you don't cook because no one who cooks would EVER contemplate cooking a prime rib and then grilling it! LOL Sweetie, I know weddings are expensive--I save my brides a ton of money because EVERYONE rapes brides and weddings--here's a hint when you are shopping for something for the wedding, say 'FAMILY REUNION' not "wedding", that alone will save you 20%. Get your guest list trimmed down to where you can afford the caterer without mortgaging the house or do whatever you need to do but PLEASE don't try to do a wedding of this magnitude with rented equipment--you don't even know the correct use of a proofing oven!! It's to make bread rise--it doesn't get above 110 degrees which is not hot enough to hold food safely.If you need more help, let me know, I'll do my best. Trust me on this!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------QUESTION: I so appreciate the honesty, and realize how foolish I must have sounded. LOL I should hope I at least gave you a laugh for the day :). I realize it may sound like I'm trying to save a ton of money by doing this myself on a backyard Weber, but other than maybe thinking I was going to save a few bucks, it really is a matter of wanting to have exactly what we want. The grill I was thinking of are those huge 60" (I think that was the size) rental grills, or I know you can rent those massive things that pull behind cars. I was thinking of a few of those large one's, or however many I would need. And a chef for them.As for the oven equipment things, there is a place here to rent the large commercial Viking ovens, Cambro units, etc.My daughter was going to have a destination wedding which I was so looking forward to, and just changed her mind recently and decided on June of 2009 (6 months earlier than planned) and decided to have it on a family farm. We have to literally bring in everything as it is. Tents, tables, chairs, bathrooms, etc. I wouldn't attempt anything like this in the kitchen at the house, I was thinking along the lines of setting up the garage like a literal commercial kitchen with rental stuff. As I said, the Viking stoves, etc. Of course now I at least know a proofing oven will do me no good, as I don't plan on making my own bread. LOL I've seen warming ovens, I'm assuming those would be what I meant? LOL As for freezer, refrigeration, there already is a commercial size there, so that wouldn't be a problem at all.I am only contemplating this and was trying to determine what I would exactly need and the process of warming food and holding it, etc. And I certainly wouldn't take this on myself, I am pricing up the 'people' rental I would need also. There is a staff service I could get a chef, cooks, servers, and any other help. But again, I don't know the process of cooking for this many people so I don't know if I would have to rent 10 ovens or what?I guess the only reason I really started thinking of doing it ourselves is mainly because the caterer we wanted isn't available at this late date, and I thought we're going to have meat, who doesn't love steaks on the grill? But I want decent food to go along with it and not someone like Bobby's Backyard BBQ with slaw and beans. Okay, that is a made up name but I think you know what I mean. The caterer we want did my oldest daughters wedding 2 years ago. And she's as disappointed as I am that they can't do this one. And I know what you mean about everyone raping brides and weddings, that affair set me back $50,000 + But it was beautiful and I don't regret one penny spent.And you are right, I'm not a cook. I was reading up on Prime Rib roasts and they were talking about cutting them and I figured they cut them steak size then put them on the grill for 'grill' effect. I've been reading so much my mind is mush!!!The guest list 'is' trimmed down believe it or not. I've called a few more caterers and have a few appointments. One caterer is one we looked at for my oldest daughters wedding but I remember their food didn't impress me at all. It just felt like 'normal' blah food. We might just have to 'settle' for less than what we want if I can't get this figured out. Any chance you'd want to fly to Maryland and take care of all of it for me? LOLI do so appreciate your help. Thanks so much!
Answer:
If the save the date cards haven't gone out, you might want to change the date to one your original caterer can do, which would be your very BEST option in my opinion. I can come to Maryland and help you if you need me to, and believe me when I tell you that I will get a lot done for you, even in a weekend!If your daughter is just interested in good food, there are a lot of places that will do some really good food and not charge a fortune, the one that comes immediately to mind is Boston Market--they did a wedding for me and everyone raved about how good the food was--and they did it on 2 weeks notice because the original caterer ran off with the bride's deposit!! (This was not one I did from start to finish--they called me in desperation because they lost 12K when the caterer THEY chose on their own ran out with their money and now they needed a wedding and had 12K LESS to spend!!) I pulled it together for them on what they could afford and everyone had a great time--and this bride sends me more referrals than you can believe!!Why don't you call me or email me directly and I'll see what I can do to help you? Take a look at my website and see if there's anything I can do for you. www.weddingwire.com/teridavisnewman I know it's tough when kids change plans on the last minute--I meet a lot of parents who are ready to kill their daughters!!

Happy Holidays!

Teri

death of my doctors child

Greeting to all,

My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.Kindest regards, Benno
Answer:
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.

50th Wedding Anniversary Gifts

Dear Teri,

My parents are going to be celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary in June. We are planning a party for them.They have asked that we put no gifts please on the invitation. But in lieu of gifts give to the building fund at their church. I just wondered if that is correct for a50th Anniversary. I have only heard of that at a funeral.If so how do I word it on the invitation.Thanks
Answer:
Well, it's a bit awkward, but in this situation the proper wording for the invitation can make all the difference. I'd put something on the invitations like:All we need is for you to celebrate with us, but if you wish to make a donation to the building fund of our church, that would be the most wonderful gift we could ever desire.Something like that should be acceptable and convey the proper tone.

Group Travel- Etiquette

Dear Teri,

A group of friends (4) have planned a weekend trip. one individual has to cancel due to illness- should the other friends go? no money would be lost if the weekend trip did not occur. i was just wondering if it was rude to continue with the trip if the whole idea was the 4 friends spending a weekend together before graduation.
Answer:
She can't help that she got sick, and I know I would feel worse if my friends canceled a long-planned trip just because I couldn't make it! If the rest of you want to go then go--as difficult as it is to plan anything these days, don't waste it now!

Wedding charade--Couple are already married!!

Dear Teri,
My son who lives in Texas and his 'fiance' have been planning a wedding for over a year. I have been involved somewhat in that I was planning to give the rehearsal dinner along with his father and my current husband, his step father. Obviously we have been communicating and handling family matters on a friendly, open and cooperative basis. While discussing details with my son about the upcoming events, I inquired about his "fiance's" already using his last name on her e-mail communications. I joked, 'Has the wedding already occurred? He sheepishly informed me, well yes they are married. I was shocked of course and asked when this happened. His reply was that it had happened last November. His father knew about it and his sister knew about it-since November. The wedding invitations were mailed out in February. So you see, they have all been carrying on a charade. Now I am involved and aware of what is occurring. I do not approve to say the least and am not willing to be a party to it. Unfortunately, this came to light 3-4 days after invitations to the rehearsal dinner had been mailed. I want to cancel everything. They don't. I want to inform people they are already married and this would be a repeat of their vows. They don't. I don't want to be involved in this deception. Please advise me. I love my son. I don't want to see him hurt, but this is just not right. Please help me.
Answer:
I agree, this is dishonest, but if no one celebrated the wedding previously and it was a civil ceremony, then this will be the religious ceremony and it's common in many places to have both a civil and religious ceremony. I am distressed that he and everyone else has lied to you, this is wrong--you should have been told. It's still OK to have the wedding as it's not like they had a big celebration--this is the big celebration. My cousin got married in Lake Tahoe and then had the reception a week later but everyone knew they were already married. Still, the fact that they are already married is not that big of a deal since they didn't have a previous large ceremony and reception.While I think he was wrong to have lied to you, there are many reasons he might have gone ahead with the ceremony--the most pressing one these days being health insurance. If one of them had no health insurance and the other one did through their employer, it might have been necessary for the wedding to take place. Also, your DIL might have been pregnant and they got married and subsequently there was a first-trimester miscarriage which happens a lot. Both your son and daughter-in-law owe you an apology for lying to you and you are perfectly within your rights to demand one. However, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that they had an early civil ceremony does it? All their friends and loved ones would still come to this if they knew because they would still want to celebrate the marriage, albeit belatedly, wouldn't they? They are still doing a church wedding which is a separate and special event because they are now going before God in front of all their loved ones to profess their love and commitment, and do you not want to attend because it is technically redundant? I see the issue as one of honesty with you and your son and daughter-in-law and they were wrong to lie to you and this is no way to start a marriage however she was openly using his name and if you had asked earlier they probably told you since they confessed right away when queried. I am perplexed as to why your ex-husband and daughter were in on the secret and not you--was it because they knew you would not want to have the wedding if you knew? If you had known, what would you do differently? It's not a major social breach--it's basically an incorrect date on the invitation and nothing more--I doubt that any of the guests will care enough to cancel or that they will be upset. It's not an issue of honesty with the guests, but it is with you and it should be and you have every right to be upset. My thought is that you might want to tell your guests--the ones YOU personally invited--that a civil ceremony has already taken place and that you thought they should know and you are calling at this late date because you were JUST informed. They will still come to the wedding and share your joy and you will feel better about not deceiving them.Blessings,Teri Davis Newman

Sweet 16 invites, I only want to have adults & teens

Dear Teri,
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Answer:
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.

Holiday Family Housguest, How Many?

Question:
My husband and I relocated to my in-laws area to help care for my paraplegic father-in–law. My husband’s entire family (3 generations) comes home for Thanksgiving (25 people). My in-laws always keep my husband’s single sister and another brother’s family (wife and 1 daughter). I am expected to keep the rest of the family. I have one guest room because we have a home business office. Last Thanksgiving I slept on the bare floor, under the dining room table (the only place left in the house). Not one person made a bed or rolled up a sleeping bag. My entire house was wall to wall clothes, sleeping bags and towels. My cat was so stressed by the multitude of people and smells that she wet one of the beds, something she never does. Everyone left the house as soon as they were dressed to spend time with the in-laws. I received no thank-you notes.This past Labor Day one family (5 members) stayed with us. We gave up our master suite to them. The parents had our king sized bed and the three children had foam rubber mattresses on the floor. The wife informed me that their family would have slept better if they had had separate bedrooms. No beds were made or towels brought out, even though I specifically requested this. Again, no thank-you notes.All of the family members that stay with us are very well-off financially and take nice vacations. Is it unreasonable to say that I am perfectly happy to house one couple and that the rest need to arrange for hotel accommodations?

Answer:
Of course not! It's unreasonable for them to expect to stay in your home and treat you like an innkeeper! I think it's outrageous that you let them take advantage of you like they did and they couldn't be bothered to send a thank-you note! Were they raised by wolves??What you need to do is call a local hotel and see if they have a group rate for however many rooms you will need. When they call, you tell them you have the most wonderful news and that you have arranged a special rate for them at the hotel. When they ask why you won't be hosting the wolf pack, you tell them that you are unable to do so this year. If they press you on why, you say: Because it's just impossible for me to do it this year. Stand tough and don't let them bully you or guilt you. If they are so desperate, they can go stay with mom and dad and tough toenails! You do the lion's share of caring for THEIR parents and you absolutely should not have to put up with these rude people in your home.

Proper Wording of a Wedding Invitation

Question:
Is there a better way to word & line the following: Mr. & Mrs. James Moore (bride's father & stepmother)request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Mrs. Susan King-Moore's (bride's mother, divorced Moore,re-married to Mr. Smith but did not change her hyphenated name)andMr. James Moore's daughterMary Ellen andMr. Robert Graham Jonesson of Dr. Jillian Jonesetc. etc. The requirements are:Stepparents hosting weddingRecognition of mother & father of brideRecognition of mother of groom (absolutely do not mention father)
Answer:
WOW! This is a doozy! LOL OK here we go--and this is the CORRECT way to word this:
Mr. & Mrs. James Moore
Mrs. Susan King-Moore
Dr. Jillian Jones
Request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their children:
Mary Ellen Moore
to
Mr. Robert Graham Jones
On Saturday the 1st of July Two Thousand and Nine (or 2009)at half past three
At Our Lady of Great Agony Church
123 Main Street
Anytown, ST. 00000
Reception Immediately following ceremony at:
Name of Venue
Address of Venue
The Favour of A Reply is requested by June 10, 2009

sympathy card

Question:
We run a towing service in a small community. A man that owns a similar service in a neighboring community recently passed away. We would like to send a sympathy card to the entire family of the deceased, my question is how do I address the envelope. I know it is not acceptable to mention the deaseased name on the front of the card. Since the business is a family ran business, could I just address it to the "Doe" family? His sons have the same last name.

Answer:
You can indeed address it to the Doe Family.

50th wedding anniversary

Question:
My parents are celebrating 50 years of marriage on 11/11/08. I am hosting a party for them on 11/8/08. My question is: What date do I use for personalizing on napkins, favors, topper for cake etc. Do I use their 50 year ago date or use the date of the party or the actual date being this year?HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer:
You don't need to use a date at all. Just do the the 50 year theme, it's what everyone does. All party stores will have the '50' cake topper candle, 50th anniversary napkins, favors, etc. If you want the actual dates then you are going to have to spend some serious money for custom printing. The invitations read either "50th" or "Golden" wedding anniversary and then you can write the dates in if you like although it isn't necessary--people will believe you. My in-laws are having their 50th in Feb and my hubby is an only child so I am at a loss for what to do for them.

Black dress at a wedding? Is it proper to wear?

Question:

hi am Denise from Malta i really want to ask if the sister of the groom can wear a black dress for an evening wedding . thanks for your help regards Denise

Answer:
Here are the traditional rules: A black dress is never appropriate to wear to a wedding. A white dress is never worn to the wedding because the bride wears white and a red dress is never worn because it draws attention away from the bride. These are the traditional rules, however, at a highly formal wedding the black dress might be acceptable. In days gone by the black dress worn to a wedding signified the wearer's unhappiness over the wedding. Black and white weddings are becoming more more popular with the bridesmaids in black dresses. I would recommend that you consult with the bride and ask her how she feels about your wearing a black dress. As long as she's OK with it, then it should be fine.

Kindergarten birthday party

Question:
School has only been in about 3 weeks, my child has made maybe one or two friends that she can remember when I ask their names. Her birthday is coming up and we will have family from out of town staying with us also. So I really don't want 20 5-6 yr olds running around my house that we don't really know. We will not be having it at McDonalds or etc. Just at home. How do I invite just a couple girls from her class? Thanks for your time

Answer:
Give your child sealed invitations for her two friends. No one else needs to know there's a party.

50th Birthday Party

Question:
I am giving myself a 50th birthday party. What would be the correct wording for the invitation? And should gifts be mentioned?

Answer:
Gifts are never ever mentioned in an invitation unless you are declining all gifts. The wording should be something like this:Please join me in celebrating my first half-century on this planet. or Please join me to mourn the passing of my youth.or if you are more formal it might read The pleasure of your company is requested at my 50th birthday party. Then givethe date,time,place and Rsvp information. Have fun!

Proper Dress for a football game

Question:
I am attending my grandson's first college football game. He attends a private college and I want to accordingly. I don't know exactly how casual to go.

Answer:
Football is football no matter how fancy the school. Dress for the weather as it can be quite chilly in the northeast schools in the winter. Nicely fitting jeans or wool slacks, good quality shoes, and a good quality sweater with a cashmere scarf will give you style and comfort. Low rise jeans with the muffin top looks terrible on anyone and cheap shoes are serious no-no. Nothing says monied class like a wool sweater and a cashmere scarf with a pair of Bass loafers. A good pair of Portolano gloves, is also a nice thing to have.

Is Asking for a Cash Gift Appropriate? How much?

Question:
My female boss is getting married and because it will be her second marriage, they are asking for cash to help with their honeymoon. What amount is appropriate?

Answer:
It is incredibly tacky to ask for cash as a wedding gift. In polite society it is simply NOT done, and I am astonished that she would commit such an incredible social faux pas. To ask for cash as a wedding gift insults your guests in two ways. The first way implies that they do not have adequate taste to select an appropriate gift. The second way implies that the wedding is being used as a fundraising operation, much the same as having your mother throw you a shower, it is simply NOT done. That being said, the amount that's appropriate is whenever is within your budget should you decide to attend the wedding. If you do not attend the wedding you're not obligated to give any gift, cash or otherwise. Also, you don't have to give cash for a gift even though it was requested, you are welcome to purchase an appropriate gift of your choice.

Grandmother-zilla

Question:
My daughter will soon be engaged and I am very apprehensive about dealing with my mother in law. She is very controlling and wants to be in charge of everything in our family. Through my 28 years of marriage, there has been a conflict on what is my role as wife, mother and what she should be privliged do as grandmother and mother of her son. Can you tell me what the paternal grandmother of a bride normally is involved with for a wedding? Any advice how to keep her from overstepping her bounds. I want to enjoy planning the wedding with my daughter. Thanks!

Answer:
The role of the paternal grandmother at the wedding is very simple. She is invited to the rehearsal dinner and to the wedding and reception. She would also be invited to any bridal showers that you may be having. The mother of the bride and the bride are the ones that are responsible for planning the wedding and working with the wedding planner. I strongly recommend that you retain the services of a wedding planner, a good wedding planner will save you a great deal of money, far more than what you'll end up paying for her services. I typically save my brides a minimum of $5000 for their weddings which is far more than the fee that I normally charge. Additionally, the services of a good wedding planner take a great deal of pressure off of you and your daughter. If you will tell me what area of the country you were located in I can recommend someone to help you if you would like.Congratulations to you and your daughter and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness.

Removing your hat during National Anthem

Question:
I know one is supposed to remove their hat during the national anthem. How about religious head coverings such as yarmulkes? Are they expected to be taken off during the National Anthemn?
Answer:
A head covering worn for religious reasons is not considered a hat. Therefore it does not need to be removed during the national anthem, but you still place your hand over your heart. In order to be absolutely correct, one should remove their hat, stand at attention, and place the right hand over their heart. This is the correct way too show respect to the flag during the national anthem and the pledge of allegiance. Not to place one's hand over their heart is disrespectful to the flag and the country. An example of this sort of disrespect the shown in the photograph above. The man at the end doesn't even have enough respect to stand up straight, let alone put his hand over his heart, he's a disgrace.

Ordering etiquette in a restaurant

QUESTION:

Is it Proper Etiquette and Good Manners for the Host to order first before his/her guests?

Answer:
You can ask your host questions like "What's good here?" and if s/he tells you the lobster and filet are great then order whatever. Most people don't take others to a restaurant if they can't afford the price of the dinner check, but it's polite to ask. It doesn't really matter who orders when at a restaurant since all the food comes to the table at the same time and the waitstaff will take orders from each person and serve in whatever order they choose to--unless it's a very fine restaurant. Most don't know the difference.

Bridal Shower Invitations

Question:
I'm trying to plan a bridal shower for my sister who is having a destination wedding in Turks & Caicos AND a 175 guest reception at a venue after we come back from the island. She wants to invite EVERY woman on the guest list for the big reception and also wants a super fancy over-the-top shower. She barely speaks to half of these people-- and to give her the shower of her dreams just can't happen with 70 guests. What should I do?

Answer:
Tell her she has to cut her guest list to the number you specify because you are unable to host a shower for more than that many people and also, it's improper for a relative of the bride to give the shower--it has to be a friend--so you can't do it anyway.

Funeral Thank You Cards

Question:
Is it proper to send thank you cards out to people who have attended a funeral of your loved one. The funeral home gave us the guest book along with Thank You cards. I didn't think I had to thank you for them paying respect. I need to know what I should do?

Answer:
You send thank you cards to the people who sent flowers (or made donations to a charity in your loved one's name) and brought food. No one else needs to receive one, but the ones who did thoughtful things should receive one. Basically you write something along the lines of "Thank you so much for your kindness and support during this difficult time" and you have 6-8 weeks to send them out.

dining out separate checks

Question:
We are going out for dinner with 4 other couples. Some are very heavy drinkers, while others are not. How do we split the bill or do we ask for separate bills? I am not sure if the establishment will allow the bills to be split.
Answer:
IF the establishment won't give you separate checks for each couple, then all you need to do is stand up en masse and say you will go elsewhere. They will then leap to give you separate checks for each couple as they will not want to lose a potential $800 table.

RSVP to parties

Question:
At my party, the guest list will only include those who RSVP. How do I handle guest who didn't RSVP and show up or those who RSVP and show up with someone totally different?

Answer:
You call the ones you have not received an RSVP from and tell them the caterer is demanding a head count. As for those who show up with someone new, you greet them graciously as they DID RSVP.

Question:
Hi Teri,I'm a 22-year old male, and I have sort of an etiquette question for you. I have a friend who has been asking me to go swimming with him on campus at the university we go to (it's his favourite leisure activity), and I've been sort of making up excuses each time he asks. The truth of the reason why I don't want to go is that I'm a little bit overweight and out-of-shape, and, although I was planning to start exercising (and even swimming) at the athletics centre on campus this fall, I am really self-conscious about my body, and, in particular, would feel uncomfortable exercising 'with' someone because I would be nervous about not being able to keep up, etc.. I can't keep making up excuses not to swim, so I want to just be honest with my friend, but I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying that I'd feel uncomfortable exercising with someone I know (but that is, in all honesty, the reason why!). I also don't want to lie, though, and say something like I have a phobia of water, because like I say, I was planning to try to start swimming or working out on campus this fall myself anyway, so if he did run into me while I was doing this, of course that would be very awkward if I'd said that I couldn't swim or something. Sorry for the long preamble...my question basically is, how could I explain to my friend why I don't want to swim (or do other exercise) with him (i.e. that I'm uncomfortable exercising with someone I know because I'm too self-conscious about my weight, etc.) in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings? He sent an e-mail asking if I'd go swimming Friday evening, so I have to think of a way to explain why I can't, soon. Thanks so much for any advice you can give me on this. I'd really appreciate your help. Sincerely,Ken

Answer:
Ken--here's your answer: Dude--I'd love to swim with you but the beer and chips have put some pounds on me and I want to take them off before I let anyone feast their eyes on my lily-white bod. I plan to start taking care of this in the very near future, but in the interim I don't want to be harpooned at the pool! Best Regards,Moby Dick That should do it--it's honest with a touch of self-deprecating humor.

Thank You!

Question:
When my husband and I go out to dinner, ne expects me to thank him. He feels that if he pays that it is his money and I owe him a thank you. We are married, not dating. I don't feel that I should have to thank my husband for paying for dinner. Can you please clear this up. Thank you!

Answer:
Would you thank a stranger who bought you dinner? Why would your husband be treated less politely than a stranger? Manners are more important in a marriage than in any other place. Anytime someone does something nice for you, the courtesy of saying thank you is the absolute minimum you should do. Does he thank you for the little things you do for him?

Dinner guests ordering at at restaurant

Question:
If you are a guest at a restaurant, is it inappropriate to discuss the specials and appetizers before being asked by the host? And is it inappropriate to order an appetizer before the host suggests them?

Answer:
Restaurant entertaining is a new thing, it's for people who aren't sure enough of their social skills to entertain at home. If you are invited to be someone's guest at a restaurant, then it's polite to follow the lead of your host and if they order an appetizer, then feel free to follow suit. If they don't, then unless you are dying for the lobster pate then you shouldn't. If your host orders a midpriced entree, do likewise. On the other hand, most hosts will make a point of saying "order whatever you like".

OK to refuse get-well gifts?

Question:
My mother recently underwent surgery for an illness. She is doing very well. We have friends and coworkers wanting to send flowers, but in all honesty, we do not want them. We have very politely refused once and thanked them for their thoughtfulness, but some still insist. Is it rude to refuse again? Gina

Answer:
If you don't want the flowers, then take them to the nearest children's hospital or nursing home and send a thank you note. People always mean well but sometimes don't hear well! You can also just say that your mother is allergic to flowers.

Thank you note to the in-laws

And can Question:

My husband and I were married 2 months ago--I need to write a thank you note to my in-laws on their gift of an RV travel trailer and truck. They gave this to us to relieve the debt that my husband owes them in past loans. However, we are selling them both to get a more fuel efficient vehicle. They know that we are selling them, but I am stuck in how I need to write this thank you. PLEASE HELP!! I do not want them to think that we are ungrateful. Thank you in advance for your help!

Answer:

You write it this way:Thank you for the lovely wedding gift. We are putting it to good use and think of you often.

Much Love,Ginger and X

Who goes first?

Question:
Hi I am 23 old teacher of French language from the Czech Republic. With one of my student we are arguing about this question: Who is going first up to the steps. A man or a woman? I think that it should be the man because if the man goes after he could look the woman's legs under the skirt. My student thinks that in all cases it is always man who goes after the woman to catch her in the case she falls down or something like that. Thank you for your answer! Martina

Answer:
If possible they go side by side so that he can assist her. Ladies first is always the rule--and it's not a thrill to peek at a skirt with the thing available on the internet these days!

Widowed 10 days after the wedding

Question:

My girlfriend of 7 months has been widowed for over two years. she only was married for 10 days and dated him for 4 months. it was tragic..but she still wears the wedding ring and has pics of them everywhere. we've been together for awhile so im asking is my feelings of time to put some things away correct? am i being a jealous guy? i just feel uncomfortable....help

Answer:

Tragically for everyone, she was widowed while she was still in the full-fledged stars-in-her-eyes madly in love stage. This makes it extremely difficult because she never got to see the human side of him--the guy who scratches, farts, leaves the toilet seat up and doesn't shave on weekends. Additionally, she was still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, so you are competing with a memory and that's tough--plus he DIED--she didn't have to divorce him and fight for her half and child support--all the things that make someone ready to leave an old love behind, she did NOT have. If she's still wearing her wedding ring on her left hand, then she's not ready to be in a relationship with you. If it's on her right hand, she's still not ready to move on. At some point, she will need to put his photos away and take off the ring, but she's not there yet and you might want to rethink this relationship because he is always going to be there. It's tough to live with a third party in a relationship--especially if it's a ghost. She has a tragic story that makes everyone feel sorry for her and some people DO get addicted to sympathy and the attention it brings--sometimes they do terrible things to keep getting it--Munchhausen-by-proxy comes to mind. Take a couple of steps back and take a look at your situation. Does she tell everyone she's a widow? Does she tell the story to relative strangers as well as people she meets through you? Does she seem to enjoy being the sad, tragic widow and the attention? If she does, you've got bigger problems than a few photos in the house and a ring!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:

i agree...but, it the stages before we met, she was parting quite a bit. Bars, and a lot of dating activity. Thats all fine i guess..but it makes the whole grieving widow thing hard to swallow. I know she still hangs on to her past, but i am totally at a loss sometimes. I really need to know where we stand? you think this is a healthy realitionship? i love her, but.....

ANSWER:

Read the original answer I sent again. She was widowed in TEN DAYS, Life fucked her over--God has a sense of humor and he drinks--a LOT. You either deal with it or you walk away--she has to find her own answers in this situation. She was out drinking because she needed the anesthesia alcohol brings and because she got so royally fucked over, she had needs that I can only begin to comprehend--and I'm a woman. If you love her, ride it out and at some point she will get past this--it's really only been a short time. If you love her and want to spend your life with her, 7 months is NOTHING in a lifetime. Let it ride for 5 more months--that's a year, hopefully by then she will have come to terms with it. She's still in the grieving process and you have to let her finish it her way as we all grieve differently. Keep in touch--I'd like to see how this goes

.---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i will keep in touch..do you have a personal email?

Question:

Hi:Which is more proper:Cocktail and Hors d'oeuvre Reception orCocktails and Hors d'oeuvres Receptionor does it matter. Thanks.

Answer:

Cocktail and Hors d'oeuvre Reception is the right way to put it. It's assumed you'll have more than one.

1st Birthday

Question:

I would like to celebrate my daughter's first birthday and my Mother suggested the family have dinner at a local resturaunt. I would like to invite my immediate family as well as my Aunt & Uncle and their adult children and grandchildren. My husband and I cannot afford to pay for everyone's dinner. Is their a polite way to invite everyone to join us without paying for their meal? My husband doesn't want to have a party at our house & mother will not go to a birthday party at the park. Please advise.

Answer:

You word it like this:Please come celebrate Angel's first birthday and the Restaurant Name.We are having cake after dinner and the restaurant has offered everyone a special dinner price for selected menu items or you can order from the regular menu. I'd go for the party in the park if I were you.By the way, I can pretty much guarantee that if your mom has to choose between party in the park and not getting to see Angel's first birthday party, she'll go to the park. Don't let people manipulate you--when my mother pulls this crap I just say "What a shame--we'll miss not having you with us." She shows up every time.

Social Etiquette and Good Manners

Question:

Should the host of a luncheon invite guests that they know but the guest of honor does not know? Should the invited guests of the host do something special for the host during the luncheon? The host will be the guest of honor the following year. Also could you tell me where the Guest of Honor should be seated?Thank you for your time

Answer:

The guest of honor does not need to know all of the guests, they can be introduced. The guests should conduct themselves according to proper social standards, if they are paying for their own meal, there is nothing special they are required to do at the luncheon for the host. If the host is paying for the luncheon, then a thank-you note is required. The Guest of Honor is always seated next to the Host on the right hand side.

Have a wonderful time at your luncheon!

Limo Princess

daughter-in-law's social etiquette

Question:

My son will be married on September 12, 2008. His fiance has no manners, no social graces, no etiquette! My husband and I are hosting their wedding/reception of 250 guests. HOw do I instruct my new daughter-in-law the simple social etiquette - introductions, table manners, greetings and thank yous.

Answer:

Dear GOD--where did he meet her?? I have bad news for you, you cannot do anything as you are not her mother and are not responsible for her upbringing. To try to instruct her in social graces is going to make you seem patronizing and meddling and will not be viewed favorably by either your son or his soon-to-be wife. I'm amazed that he did not realize how unsuitable she is as a wife; or what a handicap she is going to be to his future employment and career prospects as the wife is always vetted for important jobs or making partner in a firm. However there is nothing you can do until she asks for help, if ever. If she has no table manners, you can possibly nudge her in the correct direction by taking her to lunch at a restaurant so formal that she will have no idea what to do without asking you which may give you an opening to address table manners. You could also buy her a book and give it to her anonymously in the wedding gifts or make up a name that won't be familiar to her or your son and when asked, you can tell her that it's a distant relative and suggest that she read it as you had an earlier copy of the book when you were her age and it helped you.It's also been my observation that marriages like this tend to be short-lived when the party of the higher social class realizes how far down he has married as you can teach manners, but you cannot teach class. I've met millionaires with no class (lottery winners) and I've taught them etiquette and manners but they will never have class. I've also met some people of very modest means that had class to burn--it's all in how they were raised. If your future DIL has natural class then some remedial manners/etiquette will turn her from a sow's ear to a silk purse, but if she doesn't then pray your son realizes the mistake he has made before there are grandchildren.

Miscarriage

Dear Limo Princess,
My sister-in-law and brother recently had a miscarriage...is it appropriate to send a gift basket (i.e. favorite snacks, flowers) i live across the country but want them to know i am thinking of them-but do not want to seem tacky.

Dear Sister,
Send a handwritten condolence letter from the heart. Do not use any phrase such as "there will be other babies" as that sounds so patronizing, but a sincere letter from the heart written in your hand on nice stationary will mean more than anything. Don't send a basket--she probably has baby things she can't bear to look at right now. Take her to lunch the next time you are there visiting--when she's physically recovered or for a pedicure--and if she wants to talk about it, just listen. Phone her and let her bring it up and again, just listen, and if she doesn't mention it then don't either. This will mean more to her than anything. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sympathetically,
Limo Princess

Wedding Vows

Dear Limo Princess,
I am getting married overseas, my parents aren't able to attend our wedding but I would still like to include them in the vows. Help. Is there any sites or do you have any suggestions that include parents who can't attend the wedding in the wedding vows?
Thank you,Erica

Dear Erica,
I put my wedding on YouTube for my parents who were unable to attend. I would suggest you get a laptop with a web cam and let them watch it live--and you can also put the video on YouTube for everyone to see and enjoy! Might as well take advantage of the technology available to us!
Blessings, Limo Princess

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks for the answer but it wasn't quite what I meant. I would like to somehow have the Celebrant acknowledge that my parents cannot be there in person, and am seeking the words or wording to do so.

Ahhhhhhhhh OK! When the part of the ceremony comes where the officiant asks: Who gives this woman to this man, you have a surrogate stand up and say something like: "Her parents Mr and Mrs Smith do even though they can't be here to share the joy" and then sit down.I misinterpreted your question Erica, I'm so sorry! I hope this is what you are looking for. It doesn't have to be those exact words but it should be to the point and not be a speech.'
Blessings and Congratulations!
Limo Princess

engagement party attire

Dear Limo Princess;
We are having an brunch engagement party outdoors in July. How do we indicate on the invitations of a dress code? The party theme is garden tea but the couple is very young. Is "country club casual" appropriate? Any suggestions? I do not want shorts & flip flops!! Please help!!
Dear Reader,
No matter what you put on the invitations, people will wear what they are going to wear. I have seen people show up in cutoffs and a t-shirt for weddings in South Florida, and it made me shudder however the mark of a true hostess is to make sure her guests are never uncomfortable. There's a story about a First Lady who had a formal tea with very old, delicate and expensive White House china. When a guest accidentally broke her cup and was apologizing profusely, the First Lady said "Oh no--it's not your fault, they are very fragile, see?" and then smashed hers to make the point. No matter what the bridal couple's guest show up wearing, you must hide your distress and make them welcome. One can only hope that they are well-bred enough to know that "country club casual" does not include shorts and flip-flops.

Engagement Gifts

My daughter is getting engaged soon. We'd like to know if it is proper and/or customary for her to get her boyfriend an engagement gift. Thank you.
Shopping Parents

Dear Shoppers,
In the last few years, women have started giving their fiance an engagement ring, but it's by no means a common practice or expected. If she wants to and can afford it, fine, and if not, it's not a breach of etiquette.

Wedding invitation--sort of?

I received an emailed wedding invitation, about a week before the wedding, addressed to a business group, rather than to me as an individual. The "cover email" states that the sender knows that the wedding is scheduled on a holiday weekend, so the sender wants us to be with our families, however, we can view the wedding on a website. The sender also included the sender's home address as an attachment. I have never received a wedding invitation of this sort. The person sending it is also a business acquaintance with substantial ability to dictate regarding my job. I assume that I am to send a gift?
Thanks, Confused

Dear Confused,
If one does not attend a wedding, then one is under no obligation to send a gift. The only exception is when you are close friends of trhe bride or groom and you WANT to send a gift.

College Graduation

As a graduate sending out announcements, can I have a note on my announcement telling people NOT to send money. I don't want my relatives to feel obligated as they have already pawned up money for high school graduation, bachelors degree graduation, and part of my trip to Panama. I am graduating with my Masters.

Yes you can. You simply add the words "No Gifts Please" to the announcements.Congratulations, I know how much work it is to get a Master's degree.

25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony

Dear Limo Princess,
My Mother and stepfather live in Arkansas and have decided to renew their vows and have a ceremony in September and have asked my eldest sister to plan the event and she agreed to do so. My sister and I both live in Kansas. The problem is that there was no discussion beforehand about who would pay for everything. My mother told my sister over the phone to call our step-brother in Florida and ask him to donate money and send it to her to help pay for expenses. My sister is very upset now that she realizes that Mom is expecting her to foot the bill, but she will not say anything to my mother because my Mom is and always has been a difficult person and is hard to get along with, she is pushy and argumentative. Mom also believes herself to be an expert on etiquette. My question is this: Is it proper for parents to expect their children to pay for a ceremony like this? My sister just got through spending hundreds of dollars on a retirement party for my real father, everyone was impressed, which is why Mom probably asked her to handle this event too. My sister and her husband are not wealthy, and we kids cannot afford to pay for this extravagant event. I asked my sister if she minded if I get involved and call my mom to help straighten this out before the invitations go out and my sister said NO, she is afraid another family feud will begin. My sister is very upset about this. Should I get involved, or stay out of it? HELP !

Answer:
The only way that your sister is obligated to pay for this is if it was HER idea. It is outrageous and incredibly rude for your mother to dream up this party and expect your sister to pay for it. It sounds like the only reason they are having this party to begin with is because they are jealous that your sister gave a party for your father. Your sister should write your mother a note and tell her that while she is delighted to help plan the party, her finances are not such that she can afford to pay for it. She might want to include a couple of estimates from a caterer of about what your mother can expect to have to pay for whichever type of party that she wishes to have. She should also make it clear that she has no intention of calling your stepbrother in Florida and extorting money from him. If your mother wants to renew her vows, that's lovely but it's her party and your sister is under NO obligation whatsoever to pay for a party she was coerced into planning. If Mom wants to dance and call the tune then she also needs to pay the piper. No one has the right to make you pay for a party just because you offered to help plan it, and it is preposterous to expect her to do so.

Visitors entering the Master bedroom

How appropriate is it for someone/relative to enter the master bedroom of a home without being invited?

It is incredibly rude!! The MBR is totally off limits to any guest unless they are specifically invited in by the hostess WHILE SHE IS IN THE ROOM. If they are houseguests, they knock in the morning and wait to be acknowledged and invited in before entering. At a dinner party or other non-overnight event, no polite person EVER enters the master bedroom without a specific invitation. The only exception to this is if it is a one-bedroom apartment and you must go through the bedroom to use the bathroom. Relatives are a slightly different matter, but they should still respect the sanctity of the MBR.

High school graduation gifts or cards?

Hi Limo Princess!
My daughter is graduating from high school this year and she has asked me a very interesting question that I myself am not sure how to answer.... She has friends and acquaintainces who are graduating along with her, and therefore there will be plenty of open house party invites... Some of her friends are ones that we, as her parents, have gotten a chance to get to know and I would like to give them a gift (card with $); there are also some that I don't know as well, and some that I have barely met (if at all.) My daughter asked me last night what would be the proper gift to give (if any). My daughter has next to no money of her own, so it's not a practical option for her to give cash gifts to everyone. I admit that if my daughter weren't also graduating this year, I may feel better prepared to give her friends a bigger check than it feels as though I can afford at this time. And then there was the comment my daughter made "If we all give money to each other, aren't we just defeating the purpose and trading the same money back and forth?" I'm not sure about this one. Please advise. We are not wealthy, but live in an area where just about everyone is comfortable, at least. There are a few friends who I know have some money issues and those are the ones I would feel especially like giving a check to, but I guess I need some ideas. Is it cheap if my daughter just gives a nice card to most of her friends? Thanks head of time for your answer, Linsey
Linsey,
You are not obligated to give a gift to anyone unless you attend their party--and even then it can be something small or a card. Teens use High School graduation to extract gifts from everyone they have ever met and it's ridiculous. The rule I use is if it's someone my child give/receives a birthday gift from, they are close enough to rate a graduation gift. If not, maybe a card. Graduating from high school is not an excuse to hold up your friends and family for gifts although most high school seniors use it as a way to fish for gifts.

Wedding Video

I am the mother of the bride and I received a wedding video from a relation of the groom, who was also in the wedding. The only pictures of the bride was when she was with the groom or a member of the grooms family, it was as though she had no mother or family members. The video was filled with pictures of the family members that took the video. I realize that is not uncommon, but my question is should I have received a copy of this video, it hurt my feelings.
Answer:
Oh dear. It should not have hurt your feelings, everyone videos the part of the wedding that they are interested in, and they are trying to be thoughtful by sending you a copy of the video. If you look at the video taken by someone from your side of the family, there will be a preponderance of photos from your side of the family, that's just human nature. They wanted to share the photos of your lovely daughter at her beautiful wedding with her new family members--they didn't mean any harm. Please Nora--take it in the spirit in which it was intended and enjoy it--after all, you already know what all your relatives look like--now you will recognize your daughters in-laws when you see them again at her home in years to come. Don't take it as a slight--it wasn't meant that way and the people who sent it to you would be CRUSHED if they thought they had upset you. After all, they just wanted to share it with you and it was a nice gesture on their part--most people wouldn't even have bothered.

High School Graduation Open House Attendance and Gifts

With neighbors, should I invite them as a courtesy to OUR open houses even if we are not friends. We are not enemies, but if the rule is to invite only those with a close relationship, do I still invite them as a courtesy only? Thank you again for your help.
ANSWER: The basic rule of thumb in life is to invite people that you like and wish to spend time with. If your neighbors are in this group, invite them. If they aren't, you are not under social obligation to them simply because they bought the house next to you. I personally like my neighbors--I think they are lovely people and I invite them to things because they are so terrific about getting my mail and watering my plants when I travel. I also bring them a little gift from everywhere I go as a thank you for all they do for me. My neighbors on the other side wouldn't know me if they fell over me so they aren't on my guest list.
FOLLOW-UP --QUESTION: You have been incredibly helpful in all of this. I would like to specifically ask another question. Even though I've passed on your input to him regarding the attendance of the neighbors' invite, he still wants to go with one of our children without me. The one neighbor has been to his podiatry office a few times with one of their children, so he feels obligated to go, even though we have no social or real neighborly friendship-type relationship. I told him I would be very upset if he went without me and feel this would make me look bad. I just flat out don't want to go. This girl has never spoken one sentence to us and has gone out of her way not to be friendly. Am I justified in how I am feeling, and would it be wrong for my husband to go without me? I feel like he always looks like the good guy. I am not trying to be mean, but we have no close connection with either neighbor and I feel like we are either just being use for a money gift or for courtesy only. Please help! Thank you.

ANSWER: Ahhhh my dear--you witheld pertinent information--you bad girl!! You didn't mention that he was a patient of your husband's medical practice, that makes it different--and you are right, if hubby goes and you don't it will make you look bad. You're going to have to take one for the team. Hubby is obligated to go because he does have a professional relationship with the neighbor. You should make an appearance with your husband because this neighbor considers your husband to be a friend, and by extension so are you. Since your husband wishes to attend anyway, I'm going to tell you how to be perfectly polite and still not have to spend a lot of time at the party. When you arrive with your husband, you go to the host and the graduate and you say to them: "I have the most horrible migraine, but I didn't want to miss your lovely party. I want to congratulate you on your graduation and wish you continued future success." Then you walk away and find the hostess and tell her that you are crestfallen but you must leave her party because your head is about to explode from the terrible migraine, but you wanted to thank her for inviting you and apologize for having to leave so soon, and then you leave. You will have been perfectly polite and you will get points for walking through the door when you were suffering. This should take about 5 minutes and although it's a total waste of makeup, you will have avoided slighting one of your husband's patients who no doubt refers your husband to friends. Times being what they are those referrals can be quite rewarding.

FOLLOW-UP--QUESTION: Although I don't want to, I will attend as you suggested, because I really do want to do the right thing. The only thing I can't do is lie and say I have a migraine. I'll just go and make the best of it. Thanks again for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it, and you have been incredibly helpful.

Answer:
LOL I'll send you my daughter's phone number. Talking to her ALWAYS give me a headache-I'm willing to be incredibly generous and share her with you.....10 minutes before the party--one little phone call and your head will feel like someone whacked you with a sledge hammer.

Death of a spouse during a divorce (Who says there's no God?? LOL)

Hello,
What is the proper way to address the loss of a spouse when the couple was in the middle of a divorce? Should I still send a sympathy card to the surviving spouse? What is the proper thing to say? Amy

Dear Amy,
Oh my--this is a sticky one isn't it? I think it would depend upon whether or not it was a friendly divorce. If it was an acrimonious divorce, then send the sympathy note to the children (if any) but not to the surviving spouse (assuming that she is not a suspect). Hallmark doesn't make a card for this, so send it in letter form on your personal stationery. If it was a friendly divorce and/or they were parents, then a carefully worded card would be OK. I would word it something like, "I'm sorry to hear of John's passing, even though you two were divorcing, I know you must be grieving too."Do the standard offer of "If I can help you in any way......" and let it go at that.
Limo Princess

Dinner out

Dear Limo Princess
My father, aged 86, died a week ago and the funeral was several days ago. The phone has been ringing nonstop with condolences. Is is proper for my husband and I to go out to dinner one week after his death?

Dear Adrienne,
Of course you can go out to dinner. Life goes on, and I am sure you are working diligently on the thank you notes for the food, flowers and condolence cards so you deserve a night out.I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Graduation Celebration Guest Etiquette

My husband has been the basketball/baseball coach of a few kids that are now graduating high school. Each of them is having a separate celebration of their own (not on the same day). As invited guests, how long is an appropriate time for us to stay at each celebration? Is 30 minutes too short? Is 60 minutes too long?
Thanks, Tammy

He can stay as long as he likes or leave after congratulating the graduate and wishing him/her well. If you are having a good time, then you stay--you are invited guests--if not, then you leave. There's no rule as to minimum/maximum time at a party, however if the sun is coming up and everyone has gone to bed, you may have stayed a tad too long.
Enjoy,
Limo Princess

Gift Trip Question

Hello, I am in a quandry about this situation. I just bought my husband a trip to the US Open in San Diego for Fathers Day. The trip is for two; airfare, car rental, hotel and US Open entry fees. He wants to ask a friend to go with him and charge him half the amount I paid. He figures he paid for it even tho I bought it and no one should get to go for free! I do not feel this way at all. If I get a trip, I will choose to take a friend and not dream of asking them to pay for it. If they want to buy me dinner and maybe some gas, that would be great. What do you think? Thank you for your help!

Colleen dear,Men are different in many ways from us and this situation demonstrates it perfectly. Keep in mind that with most married couples, men view all the household income as "OUR" money. Although I agree with your point of view and would do it the same way, men view this sort of thing differently than we do--and I'd bet my life that your husband presented the opportunity to his buddy along the lines of: "Hey John--I got some tickets to the US Open--wanna go with and split the cost?" to which his buddy said "Oh cool--I'm there, let me know what my half is and I'll give you a check/cash for it" because this is how men do things. It wasn't presented the way we would do it which is to say: "Jane--my husband gave me a trip for two to the spa in San Diego and I want you to come along as my guest." If a man said that to another man it would be viewed as a come-on for some unmentionable acts--it's a gender thing--and the friendship would be irreparably harmed. Close your eyes and ears to it and let it go--after all, a gift with strings isn't a gift so let him do as he wishes. This situation, like so many others, is one that causes women to shake our heads and say "MEN." in the tone we all instantly recognize and understand.
All the Best,
LimoPrincess

Husband Doesn't Answer/Return Calls

My husband often ignores calls that come in on his cell phone from his friends. He's not necessarily busy with anything at the time, he just doesn't feel like answering or talking to them and it's not like there are that many calls. We're talking about just a few friends. One friend frequently gets annoyed at this, because not only does he ignore the calls, but doesn't even return the call in a timely manner, or at all. Last night a friend he only talks to about once a month called and he again ignored it. Tonight I asked if he ever returned the call and he said he hadn't even listened to the message yet. I told him that I thought he was being rude and I was glad he wasn't one of my friends (I didn't mean it like it sounds of course). So am I out of line to think he should answer his friend's calls, or does the availability of caller id grant us that prerogative?

Dear Danica,
As you have noticed, there are very few calls. As time goes by there will be none at all since even the most devoted friend will abandon him eventually and he has only himself to blame. It's rude not to return phone calls when people leave messages but obviously he doesn't care or he'd return the calls. When he has no friends, you will know why. His behavior is no reflection on you and you aren't responsible for him so ignore it--there's nothing you can do anyway and he will learn what I have told you already in time. Obviously you are a lovely and polite person, but there's nothing you can do without antagonizing your husband, so let it go.

Charge admission to a party?

Dear Limo Princess,
My brother and future sister in law often throw parties at their house for their friends. We talked about having a bbq there for the holiday weekend and I offered to bring whatever they would like, all she needed to do was tell me beforehand. The night before the party I received a text message stating that there would be a $15 a person charge to attend. This is not the first time she has charged for dinner but since she hasn't tried in a while I assumed she had thought the better of it. I think it's tacky and am offended. Granted, they did put in the money for the food and beer, but we would have happily brought our own beer and made or brought anything that would be asked of us. Even if they had asked us to help front the bill earlier than the night before it wouldn't have been so offensive. I am considering not attending and unsure if it is my place to bring it up to her that asking people to pay a cover to come to your house is crass. I am concerned however that left unaddressed this will be a recurring issue in our relationship. I don't want to offend but I also don't want to be resentful or find excuses why we cannot attend. Is there a way to emerge from this gracefully?

Dear Reader,
I had to read your question three times and I am still horrified that someone could be so incredibly loutish as to use a social situation as an economic enterprise. Your FUTURE sister-in-law is in desperate need of a remedial course in social graces. I am convinced she was raised by wolves that were living behind the trailer park. It is about 23 light years PAST uncouth to charge someone to come to your home when they are there by your invitation--it is just simply NOT DONE--and I am amazed that ANYONE would attend anything at her home. Most certainly you should not attend this event and as for being worried about offending her I don't think it's possible for you to offend anyone who has the absolute gall to charge people for accepting an invitation. She is beyond being offended by anything short of human sacrifice and I'm wondering about that! There is NO SITUATION where charging people to attend a social event to which they were invited to is acceptable--NONE!! It is absolutely totally socially unacceptable in any situation to do this and your brother should really reconsider marrying this woman if he wants to keep his friends and family on speaking terms with him. The only socially acceptable way to share the cost of a social event is to ask people to bring a dish of whatever you ask them to make. I've hosted potlucks which are a lot of fun because I call it a recipe exchange which everyone loves because they get to taste a lot of things and get the recipes for ones they want to make in the future. There's a name for parties people are charged to attend, they are called fundraisers. People DO attend them by invitation but know they are expected to pay to attend from the beginning, they are for whatever cause and are tax deductible. Your way out of this is to tell your crass, rude and totally socially unacceptable future sister-in-law that you only attend fundraisers for causes that are tax-deductible. This will leave her speechless and baffled and might possibly clue her into the fact that she needs to learn social graces. With any luck she will do this immediately and spare your poor brother the lifetime of embarrassment that marrying this woman will heap on him. What will happen when he invites his boss for dinner? Will she present him with a bill at the end of the evening? It's too horrible to think about the many ways this woman will socially ostracize him, but perhaps he will come to his senses and insist she learn manners.