Holiday Family Housguest, How Many?

Question:
My husband and I relocated to my in-laws area to help care for my paraplegic father-in–law. My husband’s entire family (3 generations) comes home for Thanksgiving (25 people). My in-laws always keep my husband’s single sister and another brother’s family (wife and 1 daughter). I am expected to keep the rest of the family. I have one guest room because we have a home business office. Last Thanksgiving I slept on the bare floor, under the dining room table (the only place left in the house). Not one person made a bed or rolled up a sleeping bag. My entire house was wall to wall clothes, sleeping bags and towels. My cat was so stressed by the multitude of people and smells that she wet one of the beds, something she never does. Everyone left the house as soon as they were dressed to spend time with the in-laws. I received no thank-you notes.This past Labor Day one family (5 members) stayed with us. We gave up our master suite to them. The parents had our king sized bed and the three children had foam rubber mattresses on the floor. The wife informed me that their family would have slept better if they had had separate bedrooms. No beds were made or towels brought out, even though I specifically requested this. Again, no thank-you notes.All of the family members that stay with us are very well-off financially and take nice vacations. Is it unreasonable to say that I am perfectly happy to house one couple and that the rest need to arrange for hotel accommodations?

Answer:
Of course not! It's unreasonable for them to expect to stay in your home and treat you like an innkeeper! I think it's outrageous that you let them take advantage of you like they did and they couldn't be bothered to send a thank-you note! Were they raised by wolves??What you need to do is call a local hotel and see if they have a group rate for however many rooms you will need. When they call, you tell them you have the most wonderful news and that you have arranged a special rate for them at the hotel. When they ask why you won't be hosting the wolf pack, you tell them that you are unable to do so this year. If they press you on why, you say: Because it's just impossible for me to do it this year. Stand tough and don't let them bully you or guilt you. If they are so desperate, they can go stay with mom and dad and tough toenails! You do the lion's share of caring for THEIR parents and you absolutely should not have to put up with these rude people in your home.

Proper Wording of a Wedding Invitation

Question:
Is there a better way to word & line the following: Mr. & Mrs. James Moore (bride's father & stepmother)request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Mrs. Susan King-Moore's (bride's mother, divorced Moore,re-married to Mr. Smith but did not change her hyphenated name)andMr. James Moore's daughterMary Ellen andMr. Robert Graham Jonesson of Dr. Jillian Jonesetc. etc. The requirements are:Stepparents hosting weddingRecognition of mother & father of brideRecognition of mother of groom (absolutely do not mention father)
Answer:
WOW! This is a doozy! LOL OK here we go--and this is the CORRECT way to word this:
Mr. & Mrs. James Moore
Mrs. Susan King-Moore
Dr. Jillian Jones
Request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their children:
Mary Ellen Moore
to
Mr. Robert Graham Jones
On Saturday the 1st of July Two Thousand and Nine (or 2009)at half past three
At Our Lady of Great Agony Church
123 Main Street
Anytown, ST. 00000
Reception Immediately following ceremony at:
Name of Venue
Address of Venue
The Favour of A Reply is requested by June 10, 2009

sympathy card

Question:
We run a towing service in a small community. A man that owns a similar service in a neighboring community recently passed away. We would like to send a sympathy card to the entire family of the deceased, my question is how do I address the envelope. I know it is not acceptable to mention the deaseased name on the front of the card. Since the business is a family ran business, could I just address it to the "Doe" family? His sons have the same last name.

Answer:
You can indeed address it to the Doe Family.

50th wedding anniversary

Question:
My parents are celebrating 50 years of marriage on 11/11/08. I am hosting a party for them on 11/8/08. My question is: What date do I use for personalizing on napkins, favors, topper for cake etc. Do I use their 50 year ago date or use the date of the party or the actual date being this year?HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer:
You don't need to use a date at all. Just do the the 50 year theme, it's what everyone does. All party stores will have the '50' cake topper candle, 50th anniversary napkins, favors, etc. If you want the actual dates then you are going to have to spend some serious money for custom printing. The invitations read either "50th" or "Golden" wedding anniversary and then you can write the dates in if you like although it isn't necessary--people will believe you. My in-laws are having their 50th in Feb and my hubby is an only child so I am at a loss for what to do for them.

Black dress at a wedding? Is it proper to wear?

Question:

hi am Denise from Malta i really want to ask if the sister of the groom can wear a black dress for an evening wedding . thanks for your help regards Denise

Answer:
Here are the traditional rules: A black dress is never appropriate to wear to a wedding. A white dress is never worn to the wedding because the bride wears white and a red dress is never worn because it draws attention away from the bride. These are the traditional rules, however, at a highly formal wedding the black dress might be acceptable. In days gone by the black dress worn to a wedding signified the wearer's unhappiness over the wedding. Black and white weddings are becoming more more popular with the bridesmaids in black dresses. I would recommend that you consult with the bride and ask her how she feels about your wearing a black dress. As long as she's OK with it, then it should be fine.

Kindergarten birthday party

Question:
School has only been in about 3 weeks, my child has made maybe one or two friends that she can remember when I ask their names. Her birthday is coming up and we will have family from out of town staying with us also. So I really don't want 20 5-6 yr olds running around my house that we don't really know. We will not be having it at McDonalds or etc. Just at home. How do I invite just a couple girls from her class? Thanks for your time

Answer:
Give your child sealed invitations for her two friends. No one else needs to know there's a party.

50th Birthday Party

Question:
I am giving myself a 50th birthday party. What would be the correct wording for the invitation? And should gifts be mentioned?

Answer:
Gifts are never ever mentioned in an invitation unless you are declining all gifts. The wording should be something like this:Please join me in celebrating my first half-century on this planet. or Please join me to mourn the passing of my youth.or if you are more formal it might read The pleasure of your company is requested at my 50th birthday party. Then givethe date,time,place and Rsvp information. Have fun!

Proper Dress for a football game

Question:
I am attending my grandson's first college football game. He attends a private college and I want to accordingly. I don't know exactly how casual to go.

Answer:
Football is football no matter how fancy the school. Dress for the weather as it can be quite chilly in the northeast schools in the winter. Nicely fitting jeans or wool slacks, good quality shoes, and a good quality sweater with a cashmere scarf will give you style and comfort. Low rise jeans with the muffin top looks terrible on anyone and cheap shoes are serious no-no. Nothing says monied class like a wool sweater and a cashmere scarf with a pair of Bass loafers. A good pair of Portolano gloves, is also a nice thing to have.

Is Asking for a Cash Gift Appropriate? How much?

Question:
My female boss is getting married and because it will be her second marriage, they are asking for cash to help with their honeymoon. What amount is appropriate?

Answer:
It is incredibly tacky to ask for cash as a wedding gift. In polite society it is simply NOT done, and I am astonished that she would commit such an incredible social faux pas. To ask for cash as a wedding gift insults your guests in two ways. The first way implies that they do not have adequate taste to select an appropriate gift. The second way implies that the wedding is being used as a fundraising operation, much the same as having your mother throw you a shower, it is simply NOT done. That being said, the amount that's appropriate is whenever is within your budget should you decide to attend the wedding. If you do not attend the wedding you're not obligated to give any gift, cash or otherwise. Also, you don't have to give cash for a gift even though it was requested, you are welcome to purchase an appropriate gift of your choice.

Grandmother-zilla

Question:
My daughter will soon be engaged and I am very apprehensive about dealing with my mother in law. She is very controlling and wants to be in charge of everything in our family. Through my 28 years of marriage, there has been a conflict on what is my role as wife, mother and what she should be privliged do as grandmother and mother of her son. Can you tell me what the paternal grandmother of a bride normally is involved with for a wedding? Any advice how to keep her from overstepping her bounds. I want to enjoy planning the wedding with my daughter. Thanks!

Answer:
The role of the paternal grandmother at the wedding is very simple. She is invited to the rehearsal dinner and to the wedding and reception. She would also be invited to any bridal showers that you may be having. The mother of the bride and the bride are the ones that are responsible for planning the wedding and working with the wedding planner. I strongly recommend that you retain the services of a wedding planner, a good wedding planner will save you a great deal of money, far more than what you'll end up paying for her services. I typically save my brides a minimum of $5000 for their weddings which is far more than the fee that I normally charge. Additionally, the services of a good wedding planner take a great deal of pressure off of you and your daughter. If you will tell me what area of the country you were located in I can recommend someone to help you if you would like.Congratulations to you and your daughter and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness.

Removing your hat during National Anthem

Question:
I know one is supposed to remove their hat during the national anthem. How about religious head coverings such as yarmulkes? Are they expected to be taken off during the National Anthemn?
Answer:
A head covering worn for religious reasons is not considered a hat. Therefore it does not need to be removed during the national anthem, but you still place your hand over your heart. In order to be absolutely correct, one should remove their hat, stand at attention, and place the right hand over their heart. This is the correct way too show respect to the flag during the national anthem and the pledge of allegiance. Not to place one's hand over their heart is disrespectful to the flag and the country. An example of this sort of disrespect the shown in the photograph above. The man at the end doesn't even have enough respect to stand up straight, let alone put his hand over his heart, he's a disgrace.

Ordering etiquette in a restaurant

QUESTION:

Is it Proper Etiquette and Good Manners for the Host to order first before his/her guests?

Answer:
You can ask your host questions like "What's good here?" and if s/he tells you the lobster and filet are great then order whatever. Most people don't take others to a restaurant if they can't afford the price of the dinner check, but it's polite to ask. It doesn't really matter who orders when at a restaurant since all the food comes to the table at the same time and the waitstaff will take orders from each person and serve in whatever order they choose to--unless it's a very fine restaurant. Most don't know the difference.

Bridal Shower Invitations

Question:
I'm trying to plan a bridal shower for my sister who is having a destination wedding in Turks & Caicos AND a 175 guest reception at a venue after we come back from the island. She wants to invite EVERY woman on the guest list for the big reception and also wants a super fancy over-the-top shower. She barely speaks to half of these people-- and to give her the shower of her dreams just can't happen with 70 guests. What should I do?

Answer:
Tell her she has to cut her guest list to the number you specify because you are unable to host a shower for more than that many people and also, it's improper for a relative of the bride to give the shower--it has to be a friend--so you can't do it anyway.

Funeral Thank You Cards

Question:
Is it proper to send thank you cards out to people who have attended a funeral of your loved one. The funeral home gave us the guest book along with Thank You cards. I didn't think I had to thank you for them paying respect. I need to know what I should do?

Answer:
You send thank you cards to the people who sent flowers (or made donations to a charity in your loved one's name) and brought food. No one else needs to receive one, but the ones who did thoughtful things should receive one. Basically you write something along the lines of "Thank you so much for your kindness and support during this difficult time" and you have 6-8 weeks to send them out.

dining out separate checks

Question:
We are going out for dinner with 4 other couples. Some are very heavy drinkers, while others are not. How do we split the bill or do we ask for separate bills? I am not sure if the establishment will allow the bills to be split.
Answer:
IF the establishment won't give you separate checks for each couple, then all you need to do is stand up en masse and say you will go elsewhere. They will then leap to give you separate checks for each couple as they will not want to lose a potential $800 table.

RSVP to parties

Question:
At my party, the guest list will only include those who RSVP. How do I handle guest who didn't RSVP and show up or those who RSVP and show up with someone totally different?

Answer:
You call the ones you have not received an RSVP from and tell them the caterer is demanding a head count. As for those who show up with someone new, you greet them graciously as they DID RSVP.

Question:
Hi Teri,I'm a 22-year old male, and I have sort of an etiquette question for you. I have a friend who has been asking me to go swimming with him on campus at the university we go to (it's his favourite leisure activity), and I've been sort of making up excuses each time he asks. The truth of the reason why I don't want to go is that I'm a little bit overweight and out-of-shape, and, although I was planning to start exercising (and even swimming) at the athletics centre on campus this fall, I am really self-conscious about my body, and, in particular, would feel uncomfortable exercising 'with' someone because I would be nervous about not being able to keep up, etc.. I can't keep making up excuses not to swim, so I want to just be honest with my friend, but I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying that I'd feel uncomfortable exercising with someone I know (but that is, in all honesty, the reason why!). I also don't want to lie, though, and say something like I have a phobia of water, because like I say, I was planning to try to start swimming or working out on campus this fall myself anyway, so if he did run into me while I was doing this, of course that would be very awkward if I'd said that I couldn't swim or something. Sorry for the long preamble...my question basically is, how could I explain to my friend why I don't want to swim (or do other exercise) with him (i.e. that I'm uncomfortable exercising with someone I know because I'm too self-conscious about my weight, etc.) in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings? He sent an e-mail asking if I'd go swimming Friday evening, so I have to think of a way to explain why I can't, soon. Thanks so much for any advice you can give me on this. I'd really appreciate your help. Sincerely,Ken

Answer:
Ken--here's your answer: Dude--I'd love to swim with you but the beer and chips have put some pounds on me and I want to take them off before I let anyone feast their eyes on my lily-white bod. I plan to start taking care of this in the very near future, but in the interim I don't want to be harpooned at the pool! Best Regards,Moby Dick That should do it--it's honest with a touch of self-deprecating humor.

Thank You!

Question:
When my husband and I go out to dinner, ne expects me to thank him. He feels that if he pays that it is his money and I owe him a thank you. We are married, not dating. I don't feel that I should have to thank my husband for paying for dinner. Can you please clear this up. Thank you!

Answer:
Would you thank a stranger who bought you dinner? Why would your husband be treated less politely than a stranger? Manners are more important in a marriage than in any other place. Anytime someone does something nice for you, the courtesy of saying thank you is the absolute minimum you should do. Does he thank you for the little things you do for him?

Dinner guests ordering at at restaurant

Question:
If you are a guest at a restaurant, is it inappropriate to discuss the specials and appetizers before being asked by the host? And is it inappropriate to order an appetizer before the host suggests them?

Answer:
Restaurant entertaining is a new thing, it's for people who aren't sure enough of their social skills to entertain at home. If you are invited to be someone's guest at a restaurant, then it's polite to follow the lead of your host and if they order an appetizer, then feel free to follow suit. If they don't, then unless you are dying for the lobster pate then you shouldn't. If your host orders a midpriced entree, do likewise. On the other hand, most hosts will make a point of saying "order whatever you like".

OK to refuse get-well gifts?

Question:
My mother recently underwent surgery for an illness. She is doing very well. We have friends and coworkers wanting to send flowers, but in all honesty, we do not want them. We have very politely refused once and thanked them for their thoughtfulness, but some still insist. Is it rude to refuse again? Gina

Answer:
If you don't want the flowers, then take them to the nearest children's hospital or nursing home and send a thank you note. People always mean well but sometimes don't hear well! You can also just say that your mother is allergic to flowers.

Thank you note to the in-laws

And can Question:

My husband and I were married 2 months ago--I need to write a thank you note to my in-laws on their gift of an RV travel trailer and truck. They gave this to us to relieve the debt that my husband owes them in past loans. However, we are selling them both to get a more fuel efficient vehicle. They know that we are selling them, but I am stuck in how I need to write this thank you. PLEASE HELP!! I do not want them to think that we are ungrateful. Thank you in advance for your help!

Answer:

You write it this way:Thank you for the lovely wedding gift. We are putting it to good use and think of you often.

Much Love,Ginger and X

Who goes first?

Question:
Hi I am 23 old teacher of French language from the Czech Republic. With one of my student we are arguing about this question: Who is going first up to the steps. A man or a woman? I think that it should be the man because if the man goes after he could look the woman's legs under the skirt. My student thinks that in all cases it is always man who goes after the woman to catch her in the case she falls down or something like that. Thank you for your answer! Martina

Answer:
If possible they go side by side so that he can assist her. Ladies first is always the rule--and it's not a thrill to peek at a skirt with the thing available on the internet these days!

Widowed 10 days after the wedding

Question:

My girlfriend of 7 months has been widowed for over two years. she only was married for 10 days and dated him for 4 months. it was tragic..but she still wears the wedding ring and has pics of them everywhere. we've been together for awhile so im asking is my feelings of time to put some things away correct? am i being a jealous guy? i just feel uncomfortable....help

Answer:

Tragically for everyone, she was widowed while she was still in the full-fledged stars-in-her-eyes madly in love stage. This makes it extremely difficult because she never got to see the human side of him--the guy who scratches, farts, leaves the toilet seat up and doesn't shave on weekends. Additionally, she was still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, so you are competing with a memory and that's tough--plus he DIED--she didn't have to divorce him and fight for her half and child support--all the things that make someone ready to leave an old love behind, she did NOT have. If she's still wearing her wedding ring on her left hand, then she's not ready to be in a relationship with you. If it's on her right hand, she's still not ready to move on. At some point, she will need to put his photos away and take off the ring, but she's not there yet and you might want to rethink this relationship because he is always going to be there. It's tough to live with a third party in a relationship--especially if it's a ghost. She has a tragic story that makes everyone feel sorry for her and some people DO get addicted to sympathy and the attention it brings--sometimes they do terrible things to keep getting it--Munchhausen-by-proxy comes to mind. Take a couple of steps back and take a look at your situation. Does she tell everyone she's a widow? Does she tell the story to relative strangers as well as people she meets through you? Does she seem to enjoy being the sad, tragic widow and the attention? If she does, you've got bigger problems than a few photos in the house and a ring!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:

i agree...but, it the stages before we met, she was parting quite a bit. Bars, and a lot of dating activity. Thats all fine i guess..but it makes the whole grieving widow thing hard to swallow. I know she still hangs on to her past, but i am totally at a loss sometimes. I really need to know where we stand? you think this is a healthy realitionship? i love her, but.....

ANSWER:

Read the original answer I sent again. She was widowed in TEN DAYS, Life fucked her over--God has a sense of humor and he drinks--a LOT. You either deal with it or you walk away--she has to find her own answers in this situation. She was out drinking because she needed the anesthesia alcohol brings and because she got so royally fucked over, she had needs that I can only begin to comprehend--and I'm a woman. If you love her, ride it out and at some point she will get past this--it's really only been a short time. If you love her and want to spend your life with her, 7 months is NOTHING in a lifetime. Let it ride for 5 more months--that's a year, hopefully by then she will have come to terms with it. She's still in the grieving process and you have to let her finish it her way as we all grieve differently. Keep in touch--I'd like to see how this goes

.---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i will keep in touch..do you have a personal email?

Question:

Hi:Which is more proper:Cocktail and Hors d'oeuvre Reception orCocktails and Hors d'oeuvres Receptionor does it matter. Thanks.

Answer:

Cocktail and Hors d'oeuvre Reception is the right way to put it. It's assumed you'll have more than one.

1st Birthday

Question:

I would like to celebrate my daughter's first birthday and my Mother suggested the family have dinner at a local resturaunt. I would like to invite my immediate family as well as my Aunt & Uncle and their adult children and grandchildren. My husband and I cannot afford to pay for everyone's dinner. Is their a polite way to invite everyone to join us without paying for their meal? My husband doesn't want to have a party at our house & mother will not go to a birthday party at the park. Please advise.

Answer:

You word it like this:Please come celebrate Angel's first birthday and the Restaurant Name.We are having cake after dinner and the restaurant has offered everyone a special dinner price for selected menu items or you can order from the regular menu. I'd go for the party in the park if I were you.By the way, I can pretty much guarantee that if your mom has to choose between party in the park and not getting to see Angel's first birthday party, she'll go to the park. Don't let people manipulate you--when my mother pulls this crap I just say "What a shame--we'll miss not having you with us." She shows up every time.

Social Etiquette and Good Manners

Question:

Should the host of a luncheon invite guests that they know but the guest of honor does not know? Should the invited guests of the host do something special for the host during the luncheon? The host will be the guest of honor the following year. Also could you tell me where the Guest of Honor should be seated?Thank you for your time

Answer:

The guest of honor does not need to know all of the guests, they can be introduced. The guests should conduct themselves according to proper social standards, if they are paying for their own meal, there is nothing special they are required to do at the luncheon for the host. If the host is paying for the luncheon, then a thank-you note is required. The Guest of Honor is always seated next to the Host on the right hand side.

Have a wonderful time at your luncheon!

Limo Princess

daughter-in-law's social etiquette

Question:

My son will be married on September 12, 2008. His fiance has no manners, no social graces, no etiquette! My husband and I are hosting their wedding/reception of 250 guests. HOw do I instruct my new daughter-in-law the simple social etiquette - introductions, table manners, greetings and thank yous.

Answer:

Dear GOD--where did he meet her?? I have bad news for you, you cannot do anything as you are not her mother and are not responsible for her upbringing. To try to instruct her in social graces is going to make you seem patronizing and meddling and will not be viewed favorably by either your son or his soon-to-be wife. I'm amazed that he did not realize how unsuitable she is as a wife; or what a handicap she is going to be to his future employment and career prospects as the wife is always vetted for important jobs or making partner in a firm. However there is nothing you can do until she asks for help, if ever. If she has no table manners, you can possibly nudge her in the correct direction by taking her to lunch at a restaurant so formal that she will have no idea what to do without asking you which may give you an opening to address table manners. You could also buy her a book and give it to her anonymously in the wedding gifts or make up a name that won't be familiar to her or your son and when asked, you can tell her that it's a distant relative and suggest that she read it as you had an earlier copy of the book when you were her age and it helped you.It's also been my observation that marriages like this tend to be short-lived when the party of the higher social class realizes how far down he has married as you can teach manners, but you cannot teach class. I've met millionaires with no class (lottery winners) and I've taught them etiquette and manners but they will never have class. I've also met some people of very modest means that had class to burn--it's all in how they were raised. If your future DIL has natural class then some remedial manners/etiquette will turn her from a sow's ear to a silk purse, but if she doesn't then pray your son realizes the mistake he has made before there are grandchildren.