Question: My best friend is getting married and her parents are divorced. Her mom has never really gotten over the relationship (it's been 15 years) and, along with her two siblings, harbor resentment towards him. My friend has recently started speaking to him again (after years of him being out of her life) and is the only one working on possibly rebuilding their relationship. She wants to invite him to the wedding, but her sister is saying out of respect for her mom, she shouldn't. I told her that I think she should invite him and that her family should put their differences aside for ONE day if it's what she wishes. Her sister is saying that per etiquette "rules" she shouldn't invite him if it makes them uncomfortable. I disagree - please help!
Thank you!
Dear Megan,
You are correct, the bride's sister is full of crap--she's obviously taken her etiquette lessons from the "Politically Correct Whiners" school of etiquette. It is the bride's day and if she wants her father there, then everyone needs to put aside their animosity for the sake of the bride and be polite to each other out of their love for the bride. Her sister is incorrect about the etiquette rules and needs to be given a copy of an etiquette book so that she can learn the rules instead of making them up to suit her wishes. The rule is crystal clear in this situation and the bride is the one who gets to have it her way on her special day. My sister used to have a 'second seating' and two Thanksgiving dinners so that my parents didn't have to see each other. When I moved back from Japan and had Christmas at my house, my sister was totally freaked out that I wasn't having segregated parties but I refused to do it. I told all parties that it was MY home and if they couldn't behave like mature adults that the offending party would be asked to leave. They behaved beautifully and now the entire family gathers and everyone is polite to each other. Your friend needs to speak to each of her parents in a firm but kind way and tell them that it is HER wedding and that she EXPECTS them to make the effort to get along with each other and if they do not, then they can leave the ceremony and/or the reception. They will behave--but she needs to be firm and not cave in to threats or emotional blackmail--i.e. "if your father shows up I won't be there". If her mother says this, all the bride should do is say "I'm sorry you feel that way, we'll miss not having you there to share my wedding day." and then she needs to turn and WALK AWAY. I promise Mom will show up--and behave.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Fence on my property.
I am building a fence between my property and my neighbors. She is upset because the "good" side is on the inside, where it can be seen from a vantage point on my property. I am not asking her for any $$$ to build this fence so shouldn't I be able to face it any way I please?
Kelly
Answer:
Absolutely. It is your fence and you can do it any way that you wish. Now you know where the term "spite fence" comes from! If you value your relationship with your neighbor, you might want to make the fence attractive on both sides through the use of paint or stain or in the construction design. The extra money in making the fence attractive on both sides will pay big dividends in good neighbor relations for years to come.
Kelly
Answer:
Absolutely. It is your fence and you can do it any way that you wish. Now you know where the term "spite fence" comes from! If you value your relationship with your neighbor, you might want to make the fence attractive on both sides through the use of paint or stain or in the construction design. The extra money in making the fence attractive on both sides will pay big dividends in good neighbor relations for years to come.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Work place etiquette
Question:
I am the American wife of a Vice President working and living in Thailand.I find it inappropriate that the female staff members always make it a point to comment on my husbands looks and style in front of our guests and anyone like saying "Sir you look handsome, like movie star tonight"and much more.. then the other males both VP Thais and foreigners all smirk and give him the eyes as if he is somehow accepting of this practice.They also wantonly offer girls to accompany him on trips or to entertain him when they go out and my husband told me it makes him very uncomfortable.I find the female employees comments to be inappropriate especially in front of the wife and in front of our guests;I am at wits end as to how to address it without sounding like a jealous wife or should I just consider it 'boys will be boys'mens club?!
Thank you so much
kate
Answer:
Apparently you are just now learning of the low esteem in which women are openly viewed. This is common practice where you are and the fact that you find it personally offensive is not going to change thousands of years of social custom in this country. Your husband can explain to them that he does not wish to be offered women like they were cheese cubes at a buffet, but it's not going to stop. Lead by example is the best advice I can give to you.
I am the American wife of a Vice President working and living in Thailand.I find it inappropriate that the female staff members always make it a point to comment on my husbands looks and style in front of our guests and anyone like saying "Sir you look handsome, like movie star tonight"and much more.. then the other males both VP Thais and foreigners all smirk and give him the eyes as if he is somehow accepting of this practice.They also wantonly offer girls to accompany him on trips or to entertain him when they go out and my husband told me it makes him very uncomfortable.I find the female employees comments to be inappropriate especially in front of the wife and in front of our guests;I am at wits end as to how to address it without sounding like a jealous wife or should I just consider it 'boys will be boys'mens club?!
Thank you so much
kate
Answer:
Apparently you are just now learning of the low esteem in which women are openly viewed. This is common practice where you are and the fact that you find it personally offensive is not going to change thousands of years of social custom in this country. Your husband can explain to them that he does not wish to be offered women like they were cheese cubes at a buffet, but it's not going to stop. Lead by example is the best advice I can give to you.
Condolence etiquette
Question:
A co-workers father passed away this week and our "team" wants to send a condolence gift to let him know we support him. I was asked if there is something beyond flowers that we should send. We are a small company of 14 people. Thanks!
John
Answer:
A HoneyBaked ham is always a thoughtful gift as there are always many people who come to the home after the service and food is always served. Flowers are nice, but food is a better gift.
A co-workers father passed away this week and our "team" wants to send a condolence gift to let him know we support him. I was asked if there is something beyond flowers that we should send. We are a small company of 14 people. Thanks!
John
Answer:
A HoneyBaked ham is always a thoughtful gift as there are always many people who come to the home after the service and food is always served. Flowers are nice, but food is a better gift.
Guest relations etiquette
I am a lobby concierge working for a busy high end hotel,what is the best etiquette to follow when making compliments to guests.I think Male colleaugues should compliment the 'couple'rather than the individual female and female colleauge should keep it to complimenting female guests so as not to appear to forwaed with male guests..Your thoughts?! and I thank you kindly..
Kate
Answer:
You do not need to be complimenting the guests at all. It is viewed as insincere flattery for the purpose of tip fishing when service workers engage in this sort of behavior. It's "yes ma'am" and "no sir" when you are assisting the guests of your establishment. Compliments from service workers are viewed in askance at best and can be construed as a come-on at worst. Keep it professional and detached, it's not your job to compliment them.
Kate
Answer:
You do not need to be complimenting the guests at all. It is viewed as insincere flattery for the purpose of tip fishing when service workers engage in this sort of behavior. It's "yes ma'am" and "no sir" when you are assisting the guests of your establishment. Compliments from service workers are viewed in askance at best and can be construed as a come-on at worst. Keep it professional and detached, it's not your job to compliment them.
Is she still my Mother in law when my husband died?
Question:
My friend is widowed should her mother in law still introduce her as her daughter in law in public it has been 9 years now. My friend would prefer that she didn't. Thank you.
Lorrie
Answer:
Your friend's mother-in-law is still her mother-in-law as only divorce can end that relationship. Till death do us part counts for the in-laws too--and she will be the widow of this woman's son forever and therefore retains the in-law relationship as well as the right to be Mrs. John Smith until she either dies or remarries.
My friend is widowed should her mother in law still introduce her as her daughter in law in public it has been 9 years now. My friend would prefer that she didn't. Thank you.
Lorrie
Answer:
Your friend's mother-in-law is still her mother-in-law as only divorce can end that relationship. Till death do us part counts for the in-laws too--and she will be the widow of this woman's son forever and therefore retains the in-law relationship as well as the right to be Mrs. John Smith until she either dies or remarries.
toe nails
QUESTION: I was at my boy friend house, and we were eating dessert at his living room, he was no wearing shoes, and I pointed out that he was not taking good care of his feet. to make it short, he got up and brought a nail clipper, he was planning to cut his toe nails right there, I was still eating, and tod him that was not polite at all. He stated that he never hear such a thing , but ask me if I preferred for him to cut his toe nails somewhere else, I answered yes, he left I think he was offended with my commentary. I am right or wrong.
Bea
ANSWER: Grooming of any sort is never done at the dinner table.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: As I mentioned in my previous question, It is lack of good manners to groom your toe nails in the living room?
Answer:
As I stated in my previous answer: Grooming of any sort is never done at the dinner table. It's not even a question of etiquette--anyone who would cut their toenails at the dinner table was raised by wolves in a trailer park. No one with any conception of breeding, couth or manners would even consider doing something like this! It is beyond rude--it is appalling! Are we clear on this? DO NOT GROOM YOURSELF AT THE DINNER TABLE. EVER!!
Bea
ANSWER: Grooming of any sort is never done at the dinner table.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: As I mentioned in my previous question, It is lack of good manners to groom your toe nails in the living room?
Answer:
As I stated in my previous answer: Grooming of any sort is never done at the dinner table. It's not even a question of etiquette--anyone who would cut their toenails at the dinner table was raised by wolves in a trailer park. No one with any conception of breeding, couth or manners would even consider doing something like this! It is beyond rude--it is appalling! Are we clear on this? DO NOT GROOM YOURSELF AT THE DINNER TABLE. EVER!!
Birthday Invitation
Question:
We are planning on having a 50th birthday surprise party and we wanted to ask the guests for a contribution how do we word it on the invitation?
Michelle Khan
Answer:
You don't. It's either an invitation or it's not. Asking for a contribution makes it a bill.
We are planning on having a 50th birthday surprise party and we wanted to ask the guests for a contribution how do we word it on the invitation?
Michelle Khan
Answer:
You don't. It's either an invitation or it's not. Asking for a contribution makes it a bill.
Bridal shower ettiquette
Question:
As the grandmother of the bride, I have been invited to a second shower for the bride. Is it bad etiquette to say "no" There are many costly family events at the same time. I do not want to offend.
jo
Answer:
No, you are not required to attend any event. All you have to do is send your regrets in a timely manner.
As the grandmother of the bride, I have been invited to a second shower for the bride. Is it bad etiquette to say "no" There are many costly family events at the same time. I do not want to offend.
jo
Answer:
No, you are not required to attend any event. All you have to do is send your regrets in a timely manner.
Office food etiquette
Question:
When it's someone's birthday and a homemade dessert (i.e. cheesecake, enough for 12)is made and brought in for that person and placed on his desk is it proper for any peron from the department to go over and help themselves without asking? There's about 50 people in my department and I made this for my good friend expecting him to share with the 7 or 8 in his immediate spot and 2 people (whom neither of us care for I might add...)just came over and helped themselves without asking. Please advise if I was out of line in finding this extremely rude!
Karen
Answer:
As you made the cheesecake as a gift, and placed it on the desk of the intended recipient, it was incredibly rude of these people to help themselves without asking. You might explain to them that you made it as a gift for the birthday person, not as a general snack for the office to share. Next time put it in a wrapper and put a bow on it to keep the office pigs out of it. That being said, it's also not appropriate to bring in something you expect to be shared without bringing enough for everyone. It's either a gift he takes home and enjoys with family or enough to share with everyone. The exception would be if you all sneaked into the break room and had a private celebration.
When it's someone's birthday and a homemade dessert (i.e. cheesecake, enough for 12)is made and brought in for that person and placed on his desk is it proper for any peron from the department to go over and help themselves without asking? There's about 50 people in my department and I made this for my good friend expecting him to share with the 7 or 8 in his immediate spot and 2 people (whom neither of us care for I might add...)just came over and helped themselves without asking. Please advise if I was out of line in finding this extremely rude!
Karen
Answer:
As you made the cheesecake as a gift, and placed it on the desk of the intended recipient, it was incredibly rude of these people to help themselves without asking. You might explain to them that you made it as a gift for the birthday person, not as a general snack for the office to share. Next time put it in a wrapper and put a bow on it to keep the office pigs out of it. That being said, it's also not appropriate to bring in something you expect to be shared without bringing enough for everyone. It's either a gift he takes home and enjoys with family or enough to share with everyone. The exception would be if you all sneaked into the break room and had a private celebration.
Canadian "thank you's"...or not?
Question:
Dear Sir or Madam-My husband and I are U.S. citizens, living in Texas. We attended the wedding of his niece in Montreal last summer. It was a casual, Jewish based wedding. At the wedding, we gave the bride's mother a wedding card with a considerable amount of cash inside for their gift. We had never received an acknowledgment or thank you from the newlyweds for the gift. We finally got the courage up to ask if they had received the envelope, and the niece's reply was, "It is not customary in Canada to send 'thank you's' for wedding gifts." I have never heard of ANY country whose custom it is NOT to acknowledge a gift, especially a generous wedding gift. Please set me straight on this and tell me why such polite and proper people as Canadians would have such a custom.Thanks so much for your time and input with this inquiry.
Sincerely,
Frannie Volinsky
Answer:
That's a lot of crap--she's just too lazy to send you a note. Every English-speaking country sends thank you notes for wedding gifts. Obviously she was not raised properly, feel free to remark to her mother that you never got a thank you note and give her mother your address in case she 'lost' it. If the mother has any modicum of propriety, your note should arrive forthwith. Of course if she's French Canadian, then you will die of old age before receiving a note as in my experience, French Canadians are every bit as rude as their Gallic counterparts in Europe.
Dear Sir or Madam-My husband and I are U.S. citizens, living in Texas. We attended the wedding of his niece in Montreal last summer. It was a casual, Jewish based wedding. At the wedding, we gave the bride's mother a wedding card with a considerable amount of cash inside for their gift. We had never received an acknowledgment or thank you from the newlyweds for the gift. We finally got the courage up to ask if they had received the envelope, and the niece's reply was, "It is not customary in Canada to send 'thank you's' for wedding gifts." I have never heard of ANY country whose custom it is NOT to acknowledge a gift, especially a generous wedding gift. Please set me straight on this and tell me why such polite and proper people as Canadians would have such a custom.Thanks so much for your time and input with this inquiry.
Sincerely,
Frannie Volinsky
Answer:
That's a lot of crap--she's just too lazy to send you a note. Every English-speaking country sends thank you notes for wedding gifts. Obviously she was not raised properly, feel free to remark to her mother that you never got a thank you note and give her mother your address in case she 'lost' it. If the mother has any modicum of propriety, your note should arrive forthwith. Of course if she's French Canadian, then you will die of old age before receiving a note as in my experience, French Canadians are every bit as rude as their Gallic counterparts in Europe.
50th Anniversary dinner
Question:
I wanted to give my parents a 5oth anniversary dinner, however they would prefer just to go away for a weekend together because they never get away and they aren't that big into fancy parties. So, I decided to pay for a week-end getaway for the two of them as my gift to them, but I also want to have a scaled down version of a 50th celebration because I would like to involve family and friends. The family members that attend would be paying for their own dinner and I will be paying for the invited guests (friends). The problem I have is that we will all be in the same small room for the dinner. How do the family members pay their checks without the guests seeing them and wondering if they need to pay also. I can't figure out how some will pay and the others will be on my check. If you have any suggestions, I would sure appreciate it.
Christine
Answer:
You tell the waitstaff in advance the people who are your guests. They will put them all on your bill and the rest will receive a check at the end of the meal. One caveat--most restaurants will automatically add 18-20% to your check for 6 or more guests so LOOK AT IT to make sure you aren't tipping twice.
I wanted to give my parents a 5oth anniversary dinner, however they would prefer just to go away for a weekend together because they never get away and they aren't that big into fancy parties. So, I decided to pay for a week-end getaway for the two of them as my gift to them, but I also want to have a scaled down version of a 50th celebration because I would like to involve family and friends. The family members that attend would be paying for their own dinner and I will be paying for the invited guests (friends). The problem I have is that we will all be in the same small room for the dinner. How do the family members pay their checks without the guests seeing them and wondering if they need to pay also. I can't figure out how some will pay and the others will be on my check. If you have any suggestions, I would sure appreciate it.
Christine
Answer:
You tell the waitstaff in advance the people who are your guests. They will put them all on your bill and the rest will receive a check at the end of the meal. One caveat--most restaurants will automatically add 18-20% to your check for 6 or more guests so LOOK AT IT to make sure you aren't tipping twice.
Not Walking -- Graduation Announcements?
Question:
Dear Teri, I will not be attending my college graduation ceremony because I am immediately continuing (at the same college) to a 1 year grad program and would prefer my parents spent the money and time coming to that. However, my mother would like to announce my undergraduate graduation. Is it appropriate to send out announcements or would it look tacky? If I send them, what do I say since there's no time or ceremony that I'm inviting people to? Thank you, Jessica
Answer:
An announcement is an entirely different thingthan an invitation, you are telling them you graduated, not inviting them to a party or the ceremony.
Dear Teri, I will not be attending my college graduation ceremony because I am immediately continuing (at the same college) to a 1 year grad program and would prefer my parents spent the money and time coming to that. However, my mother would like to announce my undergraduate graduation. Is it appropriate to send out announcements or would it look tacky? If I send them, what do I say since there's no time or ceremony that I'm inviting people to? Thank you, Jessica
Answer:
An announcement is an entirely different thingthan an invitation, you are telling them you graduated, not inviting them to a party or the ceremony.
Bridal Shower date error
Question:
I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend and I sent out the invitations with the incorrect date printed on them. What should I do?
Dana
Answer:
Call everyone that you sent an invitation and tell them you goofed and give them the correct date. It's OK, things happen like this and it's not a life and death thing, but the important thing is to let them know ASAP what the correct date is so they can plan accordingly. Treat it with humor--I always find some sort of silly thing to say such as "I'm old and I'm blonde so I score twice on the idiocy meter--mea culpa!"
I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend and I sent out the invitations with the incorrect date printed on them. What should I do?
Dana
Answer:
Call everyone that you sent an invitation and tell them you goofed and give them the correct date. It's OK, things happen like this and it's not a life and death thing, but the important thing is to let them know ASAP what the correct date is so they can plan accordingly. Treat it with humor--I always find some sort of silly thing to say such as "I'm old and I'm blonde so I score twice on the idiocy meter--mea culpa!"
Hosting Baby showers
Question:
Is it appropriate for family members to host a baby shower?
Anne
Answer:
No, it isn't. They aren't supposed to host bridal showers either.
Is it appropriate for family members to host a baby shower?
Anne
Answer:
No, it isn't. They aren't supposed to host bridal showers either.
Surprise 25th wedding anniversary party
My sisters and I are throwing my parents a party for their wedding anniversary. Its a BBQ and we want it to pretty laid back to reflect who they are. We are planning on sending our parents on a much needed vacation for a gift. We would like to state on the invitations that no gifts are necessary, but we know some people may still want to send something anyways. Since our parents have everything they want, my question is, how do we properly say on the invitations, no gifts, however, if you would like to contribute to a vacation gift, that would be appreciated or your money will go towards their trip, ....etc....? Or is this a huge no no.....?? As a side note, our family members and friends that we are inviting are very laid back as well, and we dont think anyone would take offence to this we just dont know how to say it. Ultimately, no gift (cash or other) is necessary, as we just want to celebrate 25 years together. Thanks for any help!
Dayna
Answer:
You put "No Gifts Please" on the invitation. Those who truly want to bring a gift will, and the rest will not. It is never proper to ask or hint for cash gifts--it's the ultimate no-no!
Dayna
Answer:
You put "No Gifts Please" on the invitation. Those who truly want to bring a gift will, and the rest will not. It is never proper to ask or hint for cash gifts--it's the ultimate no-no!
Use of name in conversation
Question:
Is it more polite to address someone by name when you are talking with them or just to talk directly without ever using their name? For instance, "It's nice to see you - how have you been?" Or, "It's nice to see you, Charlie - how have you been?" Or, for instance - "Wow, Barbara, you really look good in that outfit!" - or, "Wow, you really look good in that outfit!"
Beverly
Answer:
There's no polite rule per se on using someone's name in the manner you inquired about. However, from a psychological standpoint, the use of someone's name in a conversation tells that person that they are important to you. It's always as good idea to try and remember to use people's names for that reason.
Is it more polite to address someone by name when you are talking with them or just to talk directly without ever using their name? For instance, "It's nice to see you - how have you been?" Or, "It's nice to see you, Charlie - how have you been?" Or, for instance - "Wow, Barbara, you really look good in that outfit!" - or, "Wow, you really look good in that outfit!"
Beverly
Answer:
There's no polite rule per se on using someone's name in the manner you inquired about. However, from a psychological standpoint, the use of someone's name in a conversation tells that person that they are important to you. It's always as good idea to try and remember to use people's names for that reason.
Introducing couples in a wedding program
Question:
How do you introduce a married couple at the reception after their "renewal of vows" ceremony? "Ladies and gentlemen let us all welcome..." ?
Kay
Answer:
You don't need to introduce them because everyone at the ceremony already knows them and knows their name.
How do you introduce a married couple at the reception after their "renewal of vows" ceremony? "Ladies and gentlemen let us all welcome..." ?
Kay
Answer:
You don't need to introduce them because everyone at the ceremony already knows them and knows their name.
Proper attire for the grandmother of the bride
Question:
My granddaughter will be married in June. It is to be small wedding. The bride will wear a beautiful white wedding dress, one maid of honor. Question. I would like to wear a lovely designer black flowing silk pants and top, chiffon 3/4 length jacket with flat black sandals. Is this style appropriate, and is it inappropriate to wear black?
Diane
Answer:
You can wear black to an evening or late afternoon wedding. I'm sure you will look lovely. It might be a tad too severe for a morning wedding, however black is becoming very fashionable in bridesmaid's dresses. I think you will be OK with wearing it, and you could brighten it a bit with a colorful scarf or jewelry and a big brooch.
My granddaughter will be married in June. It is to be small wedding. The bride will wear a beautiful white wedding dress, one maid of honor. Question. I would like to wear a lovely designer black flowing silk pants and top, chiffon 3/4 length jacket with flat black sandals. Is this style appropriate, and is it inappropriate to wear black?
Diane
Answer:
You can wear black to an evening or late afternoon wedding. I'm sure you will look lovely. It might be a tad too severe for a morning wedding, however black is becoming very fashionable in bridesmaid's dresses. I think you will be OK with wearing it, and you could brighten it a bit with a colorful scarf or jewelry and a big brooch.
How to reply with regrets
Question:
I've received an invitation to a Bar Mitzvah and the RSVP card is essentially blank - at the top of the card it says "Please respond by the fourth of April". Nothing else - what is proper wording to express our regrets and that we are unable to attend?
Thank you,
Kim
Answer:
You call them tomorrow and tell them that you are terribly sorry, but will be unable to attend.
I've received an invitation to a Bar Mitzvah and the RSVP card is essentially blank - at the top of the card it says "Please respond by the fourth of April". Nothing else - what is proper wording to express our regrets and that we are unable to attend?
Thank you,
Kim
Answer:
You call them tomorrow and tell them that you are terribly sorry, but will be unable to attend.
RSVP wedding
Question:
Hello, I recently received a 'save the date' card for my friends wedding, but it didn't come with a RSVP card. I was wondering how to RSVP in the correct way? Also the card says "invitation to follow Mr. and Mrs. McCormick" (the brides parents). Does this mean I have to address my RSVP to them or should I be awaiting an invitation? I'm very confused. What should I do? Yours sincerely, Julia Rivers
Answer:
The 'save the date' card is a way of telling you that you ARE going to be invited to the wedding and to make arrangements if they are needed. When the invitation comes, you will reply to the people to whom the reply card inside the envelope is addressed. Usually the bride's parents are the host/hostess of the wedding. No action is necessary on your part at this time, but when you receive the invitation, you should RSVP as soon as possible. You might also call your friends (if you are local to them) and offer them congratulations and an offer of any help you want to give them towards the planning.
Hello, I recently received a 'save the date' card for my friends wedding, but it didn't come with a RSVP card. I was wondering how to RSVP in the correct way? Also the card says "invitation to follow Mr. and Mrs. McCormick" (the brides parents). Does this mean I have to address my RSVP to them or should I be awaiting an invitation? I'm very confused. What should I do? Yours sincerely, Julia Rivers
Answer:
The 'save the date' card is a way of telling you that you ARE going to be invited to the wedding and to make arrangements if they are needed. When the invitation comes, you will reply to the people to whom the reply card inside the envelope is addressed. Usually the bride's parents are the host/hostess of the wedding. No action is necessary on your part at this time, but when you receive the invitation, you should RSVP as soon as possible. You might also call your friends (if you are local to them) and offer them congratulations and an offer of any help you want to give them towards the planning.
Family who invite themselves for holidays-wearing out welcome
QUESTION: Dear Teri,
Hello. I have a question regarding etiquette, and perhaps you can help on this. First, of all, I have an in-law who lives with my husband's sister. I will not go into too much detail, but basically the sibling is paying 100 percent of this person's bills, as they have refused to work. This in itself, has created family stress, however, when my husband and I were dating, it was expected to show at all of the family dinners, church events, etc... I basically put my own family on the back burner for quite sometime. Over the years, there have been more issues, but now I have a child. My DH and I have stopped doing two or three dinners to appease everyone-basically my suggestion. It is difficult running all over creation to meet up at one house for dinner, and then another. Well, for Easter, we have started a new tradition... we meet up with one family for their church service, followed by the other's lunch or dinner plans. It has been ok so far, but the relatives act clueless about the new deal. My ils are the worst, though... Two years ago, when it was their turn to have the church, but without meal, they were inviting themselves to lunch with my family, which I am sure my family wouldn't want. Then, my il hinted over the weekend, to give an idea of what we are doing for lunch plans, etc... when we specifically told the person, that we were ONLY doing church this year (mind you they will have ample time to spend with my child). It is not this person's business, and I don't like lying, but I am thinking of making something up, as I am afraid they will show to our family Easter, and my b-day celebration. They are extremely pushy and always try to make comparisons of my child to them, so conniving and juventile at times.... always trying to create some kind of issue, although my husband sides with them, but of course, he is treated like a king by them. Basically, how should I politely state that we are doing church with the ils and not lunch with them if they try to pull the invite stunt? Thanks so much.
Katie
ANSWER: My but that was a long question--I hope I got the gist of it and here's my advice: In my family everyone chooses a holiday and then has the type of celebration they wish to have. My sister does Thanksgiving and it's a potluck--she cooks the turkey and ham and some side dishes and everyone brings a dish to the party. Another sister does Christmas and her party is a cocktail buffet from 3 to about 8 with drinks and many types of appetizers and snacks and she does all of the appetizers and no one has to bring anything except their own liquor, beer and mixers are provided along with food. On New Year's Day my brother has a barbecue with steaks and hearty side dishes and everyone brings a dessert since he doesn't like to make desserts. Easter is a breakfast after the sunrise church service and the sister that does Easter has everyone bring a dish. I do the 4th of July and it's a pool party with everyone bringing their own bottle but I do all the food and desserts.By assigning a holiday to each family member (we drew the holidays out of a hat and you are allowed to trade holidays if you want to) everyone knows where they are supposed to be and what they are supposed to do on every holiday. It's worked very well for us.If you don't wish to participate in a particular event, then you tell them that you will be unable to attend and if they ask why, you tell them "Because it's simply impossible for me to attend" and repeat that every time they ask--like a broken record. They'll get it.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks Teri, but unfortunately, my family won't go for not showing to the events. I know my last post was very wordy, but my problem is there are two small families-mine and my husband's. We try to do both holidays as the relatives don't typically share/swap events. My ils and parents don't hang out so we are dividing the plans in a way. I guess my main question is how to not offend someone who is hinting or inviting themselves to the other family's events, since we have chosen to do both activities on the same day (it is only fair to do one with one/then the other). I am very polite and don't know what to say with my ils hints at times. I am thinking of saying "We already have plans with my family, but we should all get together in a few months for a cook-out, something to that extent." I am just clueless as I am too polite to say anything, and hope my husband will speak for me. And, if the ils show at the dinner, my family will be livid with someone else showing. Thanks again for your help.
Answer:
The answer would be not to mention the other events. Don't tell your husband the time/date of celebrations that you don't wish for his family to attend. You can also put a stop to this by going away with your husband for a major holiday--go skiing for Christmas or take a trip on Thanksgiving with just the two of you. You can politely stand up for yourself without being rude. You tell each side that you haven't heard if there's going to be a celebration and you must enlist your husband to help you. When you are invited to your Mother's Christmas at 7 pm you don't tell your ils (I love that term by the way) when it is or even that it is taking place--it's unlikely that they would be driving by to see if your car is there...isn't it? Learn to keep a secret and don't mention things to both sides of the family--that way they are not hurt about not being invited to the party they don't know about.The first thing you can do is break the habit of HAVING TO BE AT THE CELEBRATION EVERY YEAR. Make plans to go somewhere else for Christmas this year--and tell them about it early, so they don't expect you. The following year you will find that it's much easier to schedule the holidays!
Hello. I have a question regarding etiquette, and perhaps you can help on this. First, of all, I have an in-law who lives with my husband's sister. I will not go into too much detail, but basically the sibling is paying 100 percent of this person's bills, as they have refused to work. This in itself, has created family stress, however, when my husband and I were dating, it was expected to show at all of the family dinners, church events, etc... I basically put my own family on the back burner for quite sometime. Over the years, there have been more issues, but now I have a child. My DH and I have stopped doing two or three dinners to appease everyone-basically my suggestion. It is difficult running all over creation to meet up at one house for dinner, and then another. Well, for Easter, we have started a new tradition... we meet up with one family for their church service, followed by the other's lunch or dinner plans. It has been ok so far, but the relatives act clueless about the new deal. My ils are the worst, though... Two years ago, when it was their turn to have the church, but without meal, they were inviting themselves to lunch with my family, which I am sure my family wouldn't want. Then, my il hinted over the weekend, to give an idea of what we are doing for lunch plans, etc... when we specifically told the person, that we were ONLY doing church this year (mind you they will have ample time to spend with my child). It is not this person's business, and I don't like lying, but I am thinking of making something up, as I am afraid they will show to our family Easter, and my b-day celebration. They are extremely pushy and always try to make comparisons of my child to them, so conniving and juventile at times.... always trying to create some kind of issue, although my husband sides with them, but of course, he is treated like a king by them. Basically, how should I politely state that we are doing church with the ils and not lunch with them if they try to pull the invite stunt? Thanks so much.
Katie
ANSWER: My but that was a long question--I hope I got the gist of it and here's my advice: In my family everyone chooses a holiday and then has the type of celebration they wish to have. My sister does Thanksgiving and it's a potluck--she cooks the turkey and ham and some side dishes and everyone brings a dish to the party. Another sister does Christmas and her party is a cocktail buffet from 3 to about 8 with drinks and many types of appetizers and snacks and she does all of the appetizers and no one has to bring anything except their own liquor, beer and mixers are provided along with food. On New Year's Day my brother has a barbecue with steaks and hearty side dishes and everyone brings a dessert since he doesn't like to make desserts. Easter is a breakfast after the sunrise church service and the sister that does Easter has everyone bring a dish. I do the 4th of July and it's a pool party with everyone bringing their own bottle but I do all the food and desserts.By assigning a holiday to each family member (we drew the holidays out of a hat and you are allowed to trade holidays if you want to) everyone knows where they are supposed to be and what they are supposed to do on every holiday. It's worked very well for us.If you don't wish to participate in a particular event, then you tell them that you will be unable to attend and if they ask why, you tell them "Because it's simply impossible for me to attend" and repeat that every time they ask--like a broken record. They'll get it.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Thanks Teri, but unfortunately, my family won't go for not showing to the events. I know my last post was very wordy, but my problem is there are two small families-mine and my husband's. We try to do both holidays as the relatives don't typically share/swap events. My ils and parents don't hang out so we are dividing the plans in a way. I guess my main question is how to not offend someone who is hinting or inviting themselves to the other family's events, since we have chosen to do both activities on the same day (it is only fair to do one with one/then the other). I am very polite and don't know what to say with my ils hints at times. I am thinking of saying "We already have plans with my family, but we should all get together in a few months for a cook-out, something to that extent." I am just clueless as I am too polite to say anything, and hope my husband will speak for me. And, if the ils show at the dinner, my family will be livid with someone else showing. Thanks again for your help.
Answer:
The answer would be not to mention the other events. Don't tell your husband the time/date of celebrations that you don't wish for his family to attend. You can also put a stop to this by going away with your husband for a major holiday--go skiing for Christmas or take a trip on Thanksgiving with just the two of you. You can politely stand up for yourself without being rude. You tell each side that you haven't heard if there's going to be a celebration and you must enlist your husband to help you. When you are invited to your Mother's Christmas at 7 pm you don't tell your ils (I love that term by the way) when it is or even that it is taking place--it's unlikely that they would be driving by to see if your car is there...isn't it? Learn to keep a secret and don't mention things to both sides of the family--that way they are not hurt about not being invited to the party they don't know about.The first thing you can do is break the habit of HAVING TO BE AT THE CELEBRATION EVERY YEAR. Make plans to go somewhere else for Christmas this year--and tell them about it early, so they don't expect you. The following year you will find that it's much easier to schedule the holidays!
Invitation to a music concert, Reciprocity?
Question:
I've accepted an invitation to a music concert; my hosts are providing my ticket. We will no doubt go out before the event. What are some appropriate and gracious ways of reciprocating and/or showing appreciation? Thank you.
Evelyn
Answer:
Certainly you should send a thank-note within a week of the concert and perhaps you could buy a bottle of wine for the table and have it put on your check if you go out to dinner before the show. The note is the most important thing.
I've accepted an invitation to a music concert; my hosts are providing my ticket. We will no doubt go out before the event. What are some appropriate and gracious ways of reciprocating and/or showing appreciation? Thank you.
Evelyn
Answer:
Certainly you should send a thank-note within a week of the concert and perhaps you could buy a bottle of wine for the table and have it put on your check if you go out to dinner before the show. The note is the most important thing.
Social Etiquette and Good Manners
Question:
how do you address the heading of a doctor and his wife to an invitation?
Valinda
Answer:
Dr. and Mrs. John Jones
123 Main Street
Anytown, ST 12345
how do you address the heading of a doctor and his wife to an invitation?
Valinda
Answer:
Dr. and Mrs. John Jones
123 Main Street
Anytown, ST 12345
It's improper to brag about your children's achievements in a college graduation announcement
QUESTION: my son is graduating from college. we have ordered and received his school's personalized announcements. they're lovely, however, when ordering, there was no opportunity to include the fact that he is graduating magna cum laude. i would like to include a small card (ie: calling card/business card size) which i would print in the same font used on the announcement. can you suggest appropriate wording for this card on which i wish to indicate this wonderful achievement?
Deborah
ANSWER: It is considered unseemly to brag about one's achievements even if they are your child; which is why you don't announce it with the graduation. It's not appropriate and it's considered very tacky. You will, however, have the pleasure of watching him graduate with a special collar on his gown to indicate that he is a magna grad and they will also announce the names of the honors graduates and give them their diploma in a group. I think you will also notice that in the announcements there's a special color in the school emblem that denotes he's an honor graduate and his diploma will also indicate that he is an honors graduate.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: hello...thank you very much for your quick response! i will carefully consider your opinion. i am really puzzled, though, by your opinion that including the level of honor associated with his graduation is unseemly, tacky and inappropriate.the reason i even considered including exceptional honors within his graduation announcement is that i have two sons graduating in may from two different universities; ironically, the school from which one is graduating, but not with honors, does give the option of noting honors on the announcement. each of these schools' announcements are being produced by the same nationally known company. Jostens tells me that the school makes the decision, usually based on space vs information regarding dates, locations, etc. that the school wishes to have included on the announcement.yes, my son who is graduating with honors will wear a hood of a different color, indicating honors (this will be seen of course, only by those of us actually attending the ceremonies); but there is no indicator on the emblem on the announcement; finally, is it your opinion that a company such as Jostens would encourage inclusion of honors on the announcement if it was truly considered 'tacky'?
ANSWER: It is considered unseemly and tacky to brag about one's achievements in polite American society. The reason for this is to protect the tender feelings of someone who may have tried their very best to also be an honor student and didn't quite make it. Obviously you have your heart set on putting in a card about your son graduating with honors, so no matter how you word it, to everyone who receives one it will read like this:"Junior is graduating with honors. I'm telling you this because it's the only achievement or thing I have to talk about in my totally boring life. I also want to lord it over you since YOUR child didn't manage to graduate with honors and make you feel like an inadequate parent and because I am totally lacking in class and social skills. I put this card in the graduation announcement so you can laugh at me behind my back about my totally tacky announcement and speculate about when you will get the announcement about how much he will be making when he finally gets a job."Since this is exactly what people will think and say when they get the announcement, you can let them know that you already know what they will say and think and save yourself a lot of time. Of course if you are not in the USA, there might be different customs, I believe some cultures in the third world DO brag about their weight, salary and age.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: how do you equate including high honors on a graduation announcement with bragging about ones weight, salary or age? your comment about protecting the 'tender feelings of someone who may have tried their very best to also be an honor student but didn't quite make it' sounds like those who think NO achievement should be celebrated, so that those who didn't reach the same achievement won't feel hurt. perhaps the honor student shouldn't be distinguished by the color on their gown, or wording on their diploma, either. what about the students who tried their best to graduate from college but didn't quite make it? perhaps no graduation announcement should be sent at all. perhaps no ceremony should be held.what about the boy who tried his very best to make the athletic team but just didn't have quite enough talent? do we not celebrate the efforts of those who are able to rise to the top? or do we say 'never mind, let's not have a team, because little johnny just can't catch and he'll be so hurt if we play, and especially if we catch, in front of him?’ you are not correct in assuming that i 'have my heart set on' including this card. i am still weighing my decision. but your acerbic accusation: "I'm telling you this because it's the only achievement or thing I have to talk about in my totally boring life." is by far the rudest thing i can remember hearing in quite some time. what causes you to be so petty and ugly in your response? no one who would compose such a vicious sounding response should tout herself as an ‘expert in good manners’.
Answer:
RE-READ my answer, either you were too busy overreacting to comprehend or even read correctly what my reply was or English isn't your native language. You asked me a question. I answered it. You then proceeded to send me a dissertation on why you felt it would be OK to do what I told you was a horridly tacky thing to do since one of the schools your children attend puts a different color on the announcement for honor graduates. I sent you a reply that you didn't like because you either did NOT read it or reading comprehension isn't one of your strong points. If you want to try to impress the people at your trailer park, have at it. It won't be me they will be making fun of and my answer was neither rude nor ugly, it was an example of how people react and think in this type of social situation, not a personal slam--it has nothing to do with your apparent delusion that your child's achievement makes you wonderful and that the rest of the world is just drooling to hear about how your son managed to graduate a magna, quite frankly, no one other than you (and possibly graduate school admissions people) gives a shit.
Deborah
ANSWER: It is considered unseemly to brag about one's achievements even if they are your child; which is why you don't announce it with the graduation. It's not appropriate and it's considered very tacky. You will, however, have the pleasure of watching him graduate with a special collar on his gown to indicate that he is a magna grad and they will also announce the names of the honors graduates and give them their diploma in a group. I think you will also notice that in the announcements there's a special color in the school emblem that denotes he's an honor graduate and his diploma will also indicate that he is an honors graduate.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: hello...thank you very much for your quick response! i will carefully consider your opinion. i am really puzzled, though, by your opinion that including the level of honor associated with his graduation is unseemly, tacky and inappropriate.the reason i even considered including exceptional honors within his graduation announcement is that i have two sons graduating in may from two different universities; ironically, the school from which one is graduating, but not with honors, does give the option of noting honors on the announcement. each of these schools' announcements are being produced by the same nationally known company. Jostens tells me that the school makes the decision, usually based on space vs information regarding dates, locations, etc. that the school wishes to have included on the announcement.yes, my son who is graduating with honors will wear a hood of a different color, indicating honors (this will be seen of course, only by those of us actually attending the ceremonies); but there is no indicator on the emblem on the announcement; finally, is it your opinion that a company such as Jostens would encourage inclusion of honors on the announcement if it was truly considered 'tacky'?
ANSWER: It is considered unseemly and tacky to brag about one's achievements in polite American society. The reason for this is to protect the tender feelings of someone who may have tried their very best to also be an honor student and didn't quite make it. Obviously you have your heart set on putting in a card about your son graduating with honors, so no matter how you word it, to everyone who receives one it will read like this:"Junior is graduating with honors. I'm telling you this because it's the only achievement or thing I have to talk about in my totally boring life. I also want to lord it over you since YOUR child didn't manage to graduate with honors and make you feel like an inadequate parent and because I am totally lacking in class and social skills. I put this card in the graduation announcement so you can laugh at me behind my back about my totally tacky announcement and speculate about when you will get the announcement about how much he will be making when he finally gets a job."Since this is exactly what people will think and say when they get the announcement, you can let them know that you already know what they will say and think and save yourself a lot of time. Of course if you are not in the USA, there might be different customs, I believe some cultures in the third world DO brag about their weight, salary and age.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: how do you equate including high honors on a graduation announcement with bragging about ones weight, salary or age? your comment about protecting the 'tender feelings of someone who may have tried their very best to also be an honor student but didn't quite make it' sounds like those who think NO achievement should be celebrated, so that those who didn't reach the same achievement won't feel hurt. perhaps the honor student shouldn't be distinguished by the color on their gown, or wording on their diploma, either. what about the students who tried their best to graduate from college but didn't quite make it? perhaps no graduation announcement should be sent at all. perhaps no ceremony should be held.what about the boy who tried his very best to make the athletic team but just didn't have quite enough talent? do we not celebrate the efforts of those who are able to rise to the top? or do we say 'never mind, let's not have a team, because little johnny just can't catch and he'll be so hurt if we play, and especially if we catch, in front of him?’ you are not correct in assuming that i 'have my heart set on' including this card. i am still weighing my decision. but your acerbic accusation: "I'm telling you this because it's the only achievement or thing I have to talk about in my totally boring life." is by far the rudest thing i can remember hearing in quite some time. what causes you to be so petty and ugly in your response? no one who would compose such a vicious sounding response should tout herself as an ‘expert in good manners’.
Answer:
RE-READ my answer, either you were too busy overreacting to comprehend or even read correctly what my reply was or English isn't your native language. You asked me a question. I answered it. You then proceeded to send me a dissertation on why you felt it would be OK to do what I told you was a horridly tacky thing to do since one of the schools your children attend puts a different color on the announcement for honor graduates. I sent you a reply that you didn't like because you either did NOT read it or reading comprehension isn't one of your strong points. If you want to try to impress the people at your trailer park, have at it. It won't be me they will be making fun of and my answer was neither rude nor ugly, it was an example of how people react and think in this type of social situation, not a personal slam--it has nothing to do with your apparent delusion that your child's achievement makes you wonderful and that the rest of the world is just drooling to hear about how your son managed to graduate a magna, quite frankly, no one other than you (and possibly graduate school admissions people) gives a shit.
What to serve at my daughter's wedding
QUESTION: I am planning the appetizers for my daughter's wedding - we are expecting approx 175 guests. I would like to serve fruit{red and white grapes, strawberries} assorted cheeses, specialty crackers and assorted grissini. I am struggling with how much of each I will need. The reception prior to the full dinner will last about an hour. I would so appreciate your guidance.
ANSWER: What is grissini? I've never heard of it--could it possibly be crostini which is toasted bread slices upon which one places toppings?
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: grissini is a thin crunchy Italian breadstick 8-12 inches in length.
Answer: Thank you for enlightening me--I always like to learn new things. What you have sounds really good and cheese and crackers are always a crowd pleaser. You should figure on 6-8 appetizer bites per person per hour. If it's an afternoon wedding and you are serving fruit, that might not go over as fruit/cheese is more of a dessert or morning type of dish. You might want to consider something a little more 'dinner' like shrimp or meatballs or add some cold meat like pate or sausage slices with the cheese. An antipasta platter might be really good with some marinated cheese and marinated artichoke hearts. Costco sells buckets (about 2 pounds I think) of marinated bite size balls of fresh mozzarella as well as divine marinated artichoke hearts--both of which I've had and they are very tasty. I'd also think about maybe having a wheel of baked brie which can be topped with basil and raspberry preserves and wrapped in piecrust or puff pastry and baked--these are hugely popular and it could be the centerpiece of the fruit display. I had one of these at a New Year's party last year that was so good I chased down the caterer and begged for the recipe and if anything ever happens to my husband, I'm marrying this caterer--or at least pitching a tent on his front lawn until he gives me kitchen priveleges!!
ANSWER: What is grissini? I've never heard of it--could it possibly be crostini which is toasted bread slices upon which one places toppings?
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: grissini is a thin crunchy Italian breadstick 8-12 inches in length.
Answer: Thank you for enlightening me--I always like to learn new things. What you have sounds really good and cheese and crackers are always a crowd pleaser. You should figure on 6-8 appetizer bites per person per hour. If it's an afternoon wedding and you are serving fruit, that might not go over as fruit/cheese is more of a dessert or morning type of dish. You might want to consider something a little more 'dinner' like shrimp or meatballs or add some cold meat like pate or sausage slices with the cheese. An antipasta platter might be really good with some marinated cheese and marinated artichoke hearts. Costco sells buckets (about 2 pounds I think) of marinated bite size balls of fresh mozzarella as well as divine marinated artichoke hearts--both of which I've had and they are very tasty. I'd also think about maybe having a wheel of baked brie which can be topped with basil and raspberry preserves and wrapped in piecrust or puff pastry and baked--these are hugely popular and it could be the centerpiece of the fruit display. I had one of these at a New Year's party last year that was so good I chased down the caterer and begged for the recipe and if anything ever happens to my husband, I'm marrying this caterer--or at least pitching a tent on his front lawn until he gives me kitchen priveleges!!
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