death of my doctors child

Greeting to all,

My cardiologist, whom I've known for a decade or more has been pregnant with her second child over this past year. After delivery the baby developed complications and lingered in deteriorating health for three long months till he passed a week or so, ago. Although we are not close on a social basis, and aside from her obvious condition during her pregnancy and prior conversations about the new birth, baby names, its sex, how excited the sibling was etc. - she has not spoken about it since she has returned to her work after giving birth. She is in her early 30s and I in my late 80s. Our relationship is mostly professional, but she is dear to me on some level. She owns some of my art work and we have corresponded frequently over the years. I would like to express my condolence but know not how or the proper response, if any. Any help would be appreciated.Kindest regards, Benno
Answer:
A note from the heart will mean more to her than anything. I have tears in my eyes just from reading about your relationship and I am sure that you can write a note expressing your sympathy and support and it will mean a lot to her. Write it on your stationery in your own hand and mail it to her at home if you know the address and at her office if you don't. There are no words that will ease her heart at this time, but knowing that there are people who care enough to send a note will help her heal.

50th Wedding Anniversary Gifts

Dear Teri,

My parents are going to be celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary in June. We are planning a party for them.They have asked that we put no gifts please on the invitation. But in lieu of gifts give to the building fund at their church. I just wondered if that is correct for a50th Anniversary. I have only heard of that at a funeral.If so how do I word it on the invitation.Thanks
Answer:
Well, it's a bit awkward, but in this situation the proper wording for the invitation can make all the difference. I'd put something on the invitations like:All we need is for you to celebrate with us, but if you wish to make a donation to the building fund of our church, that would be the most wonderful gift we could ever desire.Something like that should be acceptable and convey the proper tone.

Group Travel- Etiquette

Dear Teri,

A group of friends (4) have planned a weekend trip. one individual has to cancel due to illness- should the other friends go? no money would be lost if the weekend trip did not occur. i was just wondering if it was rude to continue with the trip if the whole idea was the 4 friends spending a weekend together before graduation.
Answer:
She can't help that she got sick, and I know I would feel worse if my friends canceled a long-planned trip just because I couldn't make it! If the rest of you want to go then go--as difficult as it is to plan anything these days, don't waste it now!

Wedding charade--Couple are already married!!

Dear Teri,
My son who lives in Texas and his 'fiance' have been planning a wedding for over a year. I have been involved somewhat in that I was planning to give the rehearsal dinner along with his father and my current husband, his step father. Obviously we have been communicating and handling family matters on a friendly, open and cooperative basis. While discussing details with my son about the upcoming events, I inquired about his "fiance's" already using his last name on her e-mail communications. I joked, 'Has the wedding already occurred? He sheepishly informed me, well yes they are married. I was shocked of course and asked when this happened. His reply was that it had happened last November. His father knew about it and his sister knew about it-since November. The wedding invitations were mailed out in February. So you see, they have all been carrying on a charade. Now I am involved and aware of what is occurring. I do not approve to say the least and am not willing to be a party to it. Unfortunately, this came to light 3-4 days after invitations to the rehearsal dinner had been mailed. I want to cancel everything. They don't. I want to inform people they are already married and this would be a repeat of their vows. They don't. I don't want to be involved in this deception. Please advise me. I love my son. I don't want to see him hurt, but this is just not right. Please help me.
Answer:
I agree, this is dishonest, but if no one celebrated the wedding previously and it was a civil ceremony, then this will be the religious ceremony and it's common in many places to have both a civil and religious ceremony. I am distressed that he and everyone else has lied to you, this is wrong--you should have been told. It's still OK to have the wedding as it's not like they had a big celebration--this is the big celebration. My cousin got married in Lake Tahoe and then had the reception a week later but everyone knew they were already married. Still, the fact that they are already married is not that big of a deal since they didn't have a previous large ceremony and reception.While I think he was wrong to have lied to you, there are many reasons he might have gone ahead with the ceremony--the most pressing one these days being health insurance. If one of them had no health insurance and the other one did through their employer, it might have been necessary for the wedding to take place. Also, your DIL might have been pregnant and they got married and subsequently there was a first-trimester miscarriage which happens a lot. Both your son and daughter-in-law owe you an apology for lying to you and you are perfectly within your rights to demand one. However, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that they had an early civil ceremony does it? All their friends and loved ones would still come to this if they knew because they would still want to celebrate the marriage, albeit belatedly, wouldn't they? They are still doing a church wedding which is a separate and special event because they are now going before God in front of all their loved ones to profess their love and commitment, and do you not want to attend because it is technically redundant? I see the issue as one of honesty with you and your son and daughter-in-law and they were wrong to lie to you and this is no way to start a marriage however she was openly using his name and if you had asked earlier they probably told you since they confessed right away when queried. I am perplexed as to why your ex-husband and daughter were in on the secret and not you--was it because they knew you would not want to have the wedding if you knew? If you had known, what would you do differently? It's not a major social breach--it's basically an incorrect date on the invitation and nothing more--I doubt that any of the guests will care enough to cancel or that they will be upset. It's not an issue of honesty with the guests, but it is with you and it should be and you have every right to be upset. My thought is that you might want to tell your guests--the ones YOU personally invited--that a civil ceremony has already taken place and that you thought they should know and you are calling at this late date because you were JUST informed. They will still come to the wedding and share your joy and you will feel better about not deceiving them.Blessings,Teri Davis Newman

Sweet 16 invites, I only want to have adults & teens

Dear Teri,
Planning a surprise Hollywood theme Sweet 16 party (tent, rented chairs, tables, DJ) in backyard. Want to invite friends and neighbors, but don't want the 12 and under set (their kids) running around- can I state on the invitation children 13 and over? I will however have my neices and nephews from out of town ranging from 1/2 to 12 attending with their parents, but many of my friends liitle ones are wild and my I know my daughter (and me) do not want these kids running around. What do you think? What if friends have multiple children that range from tot to teen? Do I formally exclude the liitle ones?
Answer:
You are perfectly within your rights to choose whom you wish to have at your party, and clearly state on your invitation that the party is for teenagers 13 and over only. When the RSVPs begin coming in, tell the people that only those 13 and over are invited. The polite way to do this is to say: We are so glad that (Over 13 yr old) will be coming to the party, I have some names of great babysitters if you need help finding a sitter for (underage child)! The other way to do this politely is to send a specific invitation to each teen that is invited. When you speak to their parents, you can say something like "We are so glad that Samantha is able to come to the party." This should make it clear that it is an invitation for Samantha alone--not her younger siblings. You can then casually invite whichever adults you wish to have attend by telephone.